Learning to listen isn’t a gift; it’s a skill.
Anytime is a good time to learn to listen.
These statements are great places to start in the month of “love” as we share cards, gifts, and time with others. It’s a skill that can be learned and we will be all the better for it. In our family, we are still learning and growing in this area both in our marriage as well as with our grown children, their spouses, the grandchildren, and our son with special needs.
IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT US
Sometimes good listening is as simple as closing our mouth and concentrating on the other person and what they are sharing with no reason or need to hurry them along and tell them about us! With our son, it often takes 3-5x as long as we might with another person to understand what he is saying before going on to any type of meaningful dialog. There is little dialog with him but even in just understanding his thinking it’s helpful to give him time. We realize about 10 seconds is the average count until he “gets out what he wants to say” and that is often not in a complete sentence, but a word or two. Then it’s charades until we hit the bullseye of his thought. THEN we win! If we make it a game, we seem to weather some of the frustration his lack of verbal skills can cause us and others.
On another note, in marriage and even when talking to others in everyday conversation, we need to learn to….
GIVE THE OTHER PERSON THEIR MOMENT
Isn’t it frustrating when you begin sharing a story and can see the other person ramping up to share their story? Once they get out their important info, your story is roadkill. Frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, we all do it, but while I’m still learning, this is my own reminder to listen to other people’s stories and say something about what they just said. Here is an example of the wrong way:
Person #1: “We met Cathy and Matt as we were traveling on vacation.”
Person #2: “Oh, that has happened to us! I love meeting new people and especially when we’re on vacation. Last year out west we met this couple………………”
Here is an example of the right way:
Person #1: “We met Cathy and Matt as we were traveling on vacation.”
Person #2: “That is so fun. Where did you vacation that you met?”
You see, instead of making it about US we continue to make it about THEM. At some point THEY should then make it about US and bring us into the conversation. A conversation is called a dialog not monologue!
When we employ this action we are cheerleaders of the other person when we…
STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN
Yes, we take the time to stop, we look at the other person and we listen to them. We look for the opportunity to make it about them or further ask or have interest in them. Basically, we show we care when we do those 3 things. If one doesn’t really care, we can’t help with that. That is a whole different issue. Maybe even a little (or lot) selfish. As we look at them, we are showing and telling them they have our attention, we are interested, and care. As we do that, we need to…….
TAKE GREAT CARE NOT TO INTERRUPT
That can be hard when we want to interject our latest greatest important thought but if we don’t count on saying something right away we don’t be disappointed.
When our son is trying to say something, we need to give his brain time to get it out. Interrupting that process makes it tough for him to get back on track.
In marriage and with others, letting others talk is so generous. Sometimes we might even learn that they have a different need than we were thinking when we give them a chance to complete their thoughts. Once they do, we can ask them……
DO YOU NEED TO BE HEARD, HUGGED, or HELPED?
Having recently learned these 3 helpful words together, they summarize what the other person just said so we can have a better understanding of what they are trying to get across to us – whether or not they have special needs. Then it’s up to us to follow through on their need.
There are so many more communication helps for us to learn, but this is a great start in the month of love.
With which one might you start?
HELP IS ON THE WAY: A NEW BOOK by Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini is being written for Moody Publishing to encourage and equip parents who have a child with special needs! Additionally, they have written: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs, have spoken nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:
www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at:
www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini
