It’s true what they say: parenting never ends. Although our oldest is now 25 and our youngest is 21, it seems just as hard—or maybe harder—than when they were little, to know when to step in and correct their course, or when to step back and let the hard knocks of life do what no amount of rational discourse or meddling can accomplish.
Yesterday, in a conversation with a friend, we discussed God’s parenting wisdom expounded in Exodus 34:5-9. When God declared His name to Moses, He described Himself as “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness…forgiving iniquity, sin and transgression,’“ which are all qualities any good parent could possibly hope to possess.
But even though God forgives our wrongs, loves us and showers us with mercy and grace, He also “visits the iniquity of the fathers on the children’s children.” In others words, He does not always rescue us from the fallout of our choices. He allows the consequences of our behavior to run their course. Why? Possibly, it is because He knows only too well what I know about myself and my own children. Sometimes we only learn our lessons the hard way. There is truth in consequences.
With autism or developmental disability, however, it can be hard to know what is reasonable to expect from our children. How much is too much? How much is too little? When do we make legitimate allowances for a disability and when do we not? When my children were little, I was admonished by those older and wiser to spank my then three-year-old son for not responding to his name the first time I called him. Though we didn’t yet know he was autistic, something in my mother’s heart told me he was not ignoring me on purpose. I knew he was not being willfully disobedient. Later, we learned that hyperfocused children with autism cannot respond as easily as their neurotypical counterparts. Can they learn? Of course. But in the same way or in the same time? Seldom.
Fast forward to 2019 and I am confronted with the decision on almost a daily basis whether to step in or step back. Both my sons’ seasons of employment have been intermittent. Exercising their executive function muscles has been a slow process, but every year we see progress. Are they capable of doing more? Yes. But to what degree do we push or allow consequences of irresponsible choices to do the teaching? I can tell you right now, they are definitely capable of much more. The one hindering them? Me.
After 25 years, you would think I’d be better at this. But here’s what I do know: when my temper flares and I lose verbal control, it’s often a red flag that I’m the one who has taken a wrong turn. My temper is more likely an indication of my failing, rather than theirs. Too many times I know I lack the courage to endure the fallout of natural consequences. I would rather enable my sons to get by, yet again, for the hundredth time, without taking responsibility for things I know they must learn if they ever hope to live on their own. What’s the definition of insanity? Oh yes. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Bingo.
We all parent differently. Some of us err on the side of demanding too much. But some, like me, demand too little. My conversation yesterday with my friend reminded me I would do well to follow in my Father’s footsteps. There can be great truth in consequences.
Kelli Ra Anderson, is a speaker, author, and award-winning writer. Her work has been featured in Christianity Today’s publications, Focus on the Family and she has been a featured speaker on several Moody broadcasting programs. Her devotional, Divine Duct Tape, and most recent co-authored book, Life on the Spectrum, have been especially well received by those with autistic loved ones looking for a little encouragement, a little laughter and the assurance that an imperfect life with God in the everyday moments, is a life well worth living. Kelli lives in the western suburbs of Chicago with her husband of 29 years, Adrian, and has three adult children, 7 affectionate chickens, and one very obnoxious Goldendoodle. Follow Kelli on Faceook at Divine Duct Tape Book or Life on the Spectrum Book.
