Life challenges can trip us up, but they don’t have to. How we handle challenge has to do with our attitudes and perspectives. No one gets through life without challenge, but those of us living the life of caring for one(s) with special needs, we know it’s an unending stream of things that don’t go the way we planned, and that is just for starters. When we see failure, we can often go back to these 6 things that have potential to ruin lives, families, and marriages if left unchecked.
1-Emotions Keep emotions checked. When you feel frustration and anger rising, it’s easy to let it happen because we think we might feel better. That seldom happens. Usually when we get out of control we think, say, and do things we regret, often leading to the need to ask for forgiveness for our wrongdoings and sin. As you begin to “slip,” think of a stop sign and stop.
2-Irritations Don’t sweep irritations under the rug. Find moments to talk about them with the person involved. Talking to everyone else doesn’t curb or change these irritations. Finding moments to talk about them involve not being hungry, thirsty, or tired, not having time at that moment, or when in the middle of something important. In other words, a good clean slate of time. Yes, it’s hard to find, but make the effort to make things better.
3-Hurts Hurts happen. When we live in close quarters to people we say and do things in our comfortable space of home and life that we wouldn’t do with or to others-like at work or in our neighborhood. We must start thinking ahead to the next thing that will happen if we decide to say or do something we know will hurt the other person.
4-Disappointments As ones in the special needs community we know that disappointments abound. Let’s be mindful to let our spouse verbalize disappointments and listen. No commentary. Listen. When appropriate talk about the disappointment and how it’s affected you, how to work through it (don’t be the know-it-all to have just the right answer to be done with it!), how to figure out next steps and solutions, and to continue to talk as long as it takes to work through it to a point you both feel better.
5-Unrealistic Expectations You live it, right? Expectations are a part of everything, but when they are unrealistic we are begging for trouble and hardship. It’s also hard to know sometimes if an expectation is realistic or not. A good way to figure that out is if it’s what you expect without discussing it with anyone else. If one has an expectation, verbalizing it is helpful in planning, and carrying it out…or making the changes so it can become realistic. For us, it’s anything from getting out the door to planning a trip- and sharing what we each/all expect.
Ways to make these challenges less interruptive and harsh is to learn to:
ADJUST – Listen to all sides, discuss, and make a plan that might mean you will have to make changes to adjust to something new that just might work?
RESPECT DIFFERENCES – Realize we will differ from everyone else, so in our marriage and in our families, we need to hear those differences and respect them. As we listen, we can adjust our thinking and future next steps.
RESPECT EACH OTHERS’ INTERESTS – This might mean that sometimes we take turns getting our way, getting to do things we want to do, and letting others get their turn, too. With different interests, we will surely see things differently and plan differently. Talking ahead is helpful to also not having unrealistic expectations.
LEARN YOUR DANCE – As a couple it’s important to figure out steps to glide across the dance floor without stepping on each other’s toes. For us it is seen in getting chores done; one starts a chore but can’t complete it, the other sees its and does the next part…maybe to completion, but if not, then one of us finishes it when able. Think laundry. Cleaning. Etc.
DISCUSS THINGS, BUT NOT TO DEATH – Discussion is needed. Discussing something to death is unproductive. Give yourselves time to talk to an ending but one that will both be good for you both.
WATCH FOR GOD TO SHOW UP – He is everywhere and in every detail. Watch for where He will make changes, direct you, guide you, and have good endings to challenges.
DON’T GIVE UP – Too often we give up just before the solution comes. Rest and find times of refreshment during especially difficult challenging times. Keep at it. Be patient and persevere. When all the dust settles, it will look differently and maybe better than thought.
REMEMBER, “THIS, TOO SHALL PASS” – So many things do. We think challenges will last forever, and while our special needs situations are ongoing and won’t change for the long haul, there are situations that will change. Growth in our loved one, ways they will learn, and how we can help them will consistently change. Our 44-year-old son has had many seasons of change which draw us in, too….and what he was like at 4 is different now. Many things did pass and some we don’t often remember or think about.
Proverbs 4:25-27 from the New American Standard Bible says, “Let your eyes look directly ahead And let your [a]gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right or to the left;
Turn your foot from evil.” Keep focused on the good and work through the difficult. Don’t let all the hard things ruin your life, family, and marriage. Work at it. Keep on the straight and narrow for the short and long haul.
HELP IS ON THE WAY: A NEW BOOK by Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini is being written for Moody Publishing to encourage and equip parents who have a child with special needs! Additionally, they have written: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs, have spoken nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:
www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at:
www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini
