How do we value those that we love in our life? By touching them appropriately and lovingly in body, soul, and spirit where we learn the key to connection.
Studies have been done observing children in orphanages who have been given food and are kept clean and healthy but have had little touch or comforting. Without touch they were in survival mode. Much of how we were raised can tell us what we might be missing. Were we held or talked to as a child? Did we receive hugs and caring to connect with our parents? Did our parents and others understand and reassure us? These are important questions in how we were raised but also for us to consider how we are raising our children (including those with special needs), how we are connecting with our spouse, and how we communicate with and love others well.
Let’s break down what each encompasses:
The Soul is the thinking and thought processes, personality, feelings (emotional), likes/dislikes, and the enjoying of each other’s company. Pursuing one’s soul might be the easier (for some) because it’s more “seen” and “felt” on some levels. We can watch and evaluate what a person enjoys as well as recognize how they are reacting emotionally to things – showing us their likes and dislikes. Once we observe these things, we can respond to the person in ways they respond and connect best. We enter their life on their level – special needs or not. It’s a place that will take time and intentionality getting to know the other person. This area of our life can also be valued by our church leaders and the ministry of special needs in our churches. Learning what each family is seeking for their child/loved one is so important. Asking the questions, “How can we get to know the person’s likes and dislikes? What makes them “tick”? What challenges them emotionally so we, as a church don’t challenge them in the wrong direction? Seeking the answers is step one. THEN, implement!
The Spirit includes a shared commitment to values and the deepest part of our being (inward) – that of knowing each other and ultimately God. One’s spirit might not include verbal communication. Verbalizing and sharing one’s values is helpful in getting to know others more deeply, but we often see those with special needs exemplifying a relationship with the Lord that is hard to explain yet the evidence is noticeable. It isn’t necessary that we have verbal confirmation of one’s knowing God, but often it’s quite evident even in those who can’t speak. Here in the spirit we cultivate God’s word and teach to others. Perhaps this is the best way for our loved one with special needs to know and love God. Every night when our son Joey goes to bed, and what we did for our daughters when they were children, was to read and pray before bed. It’s a quiet and captivating time that can help an individual grow and develop this area of their life. Remembering, it might look different for each person. Our son can’t share his faith verbally, but if you watch him worship in church, you his faith. The church can stand with us as parents and as a family by providing a shared faith experience with our loved one with special needs. Singing/worship (Is often a well received option) and providing worship in a special needs classroom is so very special and often welcomed by all. Reading God’s word and allowing it to be prayed through, talked through, and when applicable, discussed with those with special needs is so important. Often their understanding is deeper than one might imagine. As church leaders and teachers implement this important and loving action, results might be noticeable!
The Body-the physical (external). The body is much more obvious, yet we must be so very careful in how we touch others in appropriate ways. Touching lovingly looks like a caring hug, guiding a person softly and gently from one place to another with the touch of a hand. It might also be a pat on the back, or a high five. Keep in mind that for some who have sensory challenges, some of what we just mentioned might not be appreciated or appropriate for one with special needs. Learn what touch they can handle so there isn’t frustration or dislike. (For the sake of this discussion, any kind of sexual touching and intimacy is reserved for marriage. It is very important that good boundaries are drawn in this area as marital intimacy is a shared vulnerability meant for marriage alone.) The church family as well as leaders can be the welcoming family in this place. A high five, fist bump/pump, or a pat on the back is generally a welcomed physical touch that tells us as parents, that our child is noticed, and tells our child they are welcome. All touch must be (as mentioned) careful and cautious to not be inappropriate in any way. AND the church must be sure to vet workers with back ground checks, etc. to insure the safety of our loved one.
As believers God calls us to love others, yet we know some are easier to love than others! As we learn what a person has to offer within them, we can begin to understand them better and often begin to love them differently than we might have otherwise. For those of us who care for ones with special needs the context may be more challenging because getting to know them deeply is difficult when verbal skills, conversation, understanding, etc. are difficult and low. It remains important that we try. Our observations might look differently but the results can be similar in getting to know others and who they are. Everyone is important and valuable. Learning to make these connections is what we all need. Let’s be intentional in loving ways to others as we seek to serve the Lord in this way – in our families and in our churches.
HELP IS ON THE WAY: A NEW BOOK by Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini is being written for Moody Publishing to encourage and equip parents who have a child with special needs! Additionally, they have written: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs, have spoken nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:
www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at:
www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini
