The life of special needs creates a list of changes in many if not most of our relationships, most notably our family and marriage. How can we even hope for a thriving marriage when we are exhausted, needing sleep, desiring some perks in life to give me a minute to myself and/or with my spouse?
Good question!
First, what is the difference between ROMANCE and SEXUAL INTIMACY? Certainly, our culture has a different view than most of us have as Christians desiring to live life and do relationships “right”.
Romance
- Affection
- Notes and Caring Words Out loud
- Snuggling/Cuddling/Hugging/Embracing/Touching/Holding hands/Sweet Kisses
- Dinners out to enhance conversation and time together
- Walks
If we go beyond this list, we are heading toward:
Sexual Intimacy
- Physical – Physical touch, kissing, intercourse
- Emotional – Trust, vulnerability, openness, connection, affection
- Spiritual – Shared values beliefs, experiences that deepen connection, purpose
Remembering
Most men are sight-oriented and women are generally inviting loving actions and romance in relationship, so we need to be aware of the other person and their needs and wants, and work toward completing these aspects in relationship and not competing in any way.
Also keeping in mind that our marriage will have changes over time. Some will be due to the needs our child with special needs has that comes first in a crisis or general everyday needs, or the fact that we (minds and body) are changing over time and get tired, have frustrations, etc. that “get in the way”!
Aging
We realize there will be physical changes: menopause for women around age 50 if natural progression of ending the menstrual cycle and the sudden drop of estrogen often accompanied by hot flashes and other physical changes possibly in weight and body shape as well as painful intercourse due to dryness. Andropause for men happens around age 50 as well with a gradual decline of testosterone and energy. The changes are real and there is help that a medical professional can suggest and try. Don’t be reluctant to ask, because age isn’t a reason for us not to enjoy sexual pleasures. It might just need some adjustment
Medications (not always age related) can alter sexual intimacy. The list of side-affects can overwhelm our thinking and perhaps cause changes in our minds and bodies that will affect sexual intimacy. Keep in contact with your doctor to fine tune this area.
Diseases and illness can also challenge us in the areas of romance and sexual intimacy. Just when we thought the challenges of special needs was the biggest piece of the puzzle to our enjoying romance and private special moments together, the puzzle just added 1000 more pieces we weren’t counting on adding! Times in the hospital, rehab for us as parents, diseases to control or overcome, ongoing illnesses, etc. are a few things that can stand in our way over the course of our marriage.
Making Things Better In Our Marriage
Couples often share things with each other (or with people outside their marriage) about what they wish their spouse would do to make their relationship better – relationship wise and in the bedroom. Here are a few things we might consider making better to keep our marriage on track:
- STAY IN SHAPE (lose weight, work out, cleanliness)
- TALK ABOUT NEEDS (sexual, romance, desires, and dedicate effort)
- TOUCH without the expectation of sex.
- ENCOURAGE each other
- PLAN DATE NIGHTS
- LESSEN media outlets like radio, Youtube, tv, phone and LISTEN better
Less Is Not More
In marriage we must continue to consider “what more can we do to make marriage better?” not what can we do less. It only makes sense that we do all we can, as often as we can, with all the gusto we can, to make each other happy. Let’s work at it and make marriage better!
CHURCH HELP?
WHILE THIS AREA OF LIFE is personal, intimate, and not something we necessarily talk about and share with others, there are ways that the church can help us. Can the church provide a weekly or monthly opportunity of “respite” so we can leave our child safely with others and have time alone, time for a dinner out just the two of us, an evening to go home and enjoy each other, that quiet time needed to maybe sit by a lake and just look into a sunset?
Perhaps the church can tap into willing and available couples or singles who are willing to “donate” an evening occasionally to care for our child at our own home so we can make plans for the evening knowing childcare/adult-care is covered.
Is there another couple who can come along side us to help us navigate this journey and with whom to be real, be available to cry, laugh, share frustrations, etc. and basically help us along life’s way. Someone who understands the journey and doesn’t just tolerate things we share but “get it”…?
Is there a group who can include us in a small group study (accommodating our child-wheelchair, noises, etc.) to allow our relationship with the Lord to become more intimate and thus strengthening our marriage and walk with the Lord?
To say we need help is an understatement. To say we’ll ask for it is for another blog…because we probably won’t. Help us when you see a need. Just help. Just do it. Our plates are too full at times to even think of what we need. If you can see something, do something, and trust us….we will be so very grateful!
HELP IS ON THE WAY: A NEW BOOK by Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini is being written for Moody Publishing to encourage and equip parents who have a child with special needs! Additionally, they have written: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs, have spoken nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:
www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at:
www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini