I have been away from the writing team for a while; allow me to reintroduce myself…

HI! My name is Joanna, and I am autistic. This fact should have been obvious to me long ago, but it wasn’t.

I can still picture myself, standing on tiptoe to peer into the mirror as a child, practicing the correct faces for the correct emotion or situation.

Happy. *Forces a grin*

Sad. *Exaggerated sad face*

Angry. *Looks constipated*

Yes, I practiced faces, rehearsed conversations, and redirected all my pent-up energy to socially acceptable stims.

If that’s not enough of a bright green (my favorite color) flag to scream, “HEY! YOU! YOU’RE AUTISTIC!” try this one out.

I can still feel the social anxiety from interacting with my first crush for the first time. He had blonde hair and these sparkling blue eyes.

“Hi, my name’s Joanna, what’s your name?”

“Jairmie.”

“Oh, that’s cool. You have a nice face. You should keep it.”

*Internally dies and walks away quickly*

(A side note for my fellow neuro-spicy friends: that one-liner is a keeper. I married that man with the ‘nice face.’)

I was diagnosed with autism last year, at 35 years old. What a surreal experience that was! I am going to do my best to chronicle this for everyone. To be honest, there’s not enough awareness of this phenomenon and its effects on people.

First, I think I had an overall healthier experience than others I know who were diagnosed into adulthood. It came to me gradually.

• In 2011, I failed out of college.
• In 2013, my older son was diagnosed with autism. 
• In 2015, my younger son was diagnosed with autism.
• In spring of 2016, I took steps to start a special needs ministry to create a place for people like our kids in my home church.
• In the fall of 2016, I began work as a paraprofessional in our school district.

The longer I worked with people on the spectrum, the more I started referring to them as ‘my people.’ There was just something comforting about the non-filtered, funny, unique way they existed. Over time, I realized they were not just ‘my people’ I worked with. They were members of a subculture where I fit more completely than I had anywhere before.

The current season seems correct to seek answers; I find myself going to school in the fall, so I took my questions to the professionals and walked out with an autism diagnosis. They tell me I am AudHD (someone who is both Autistic and has ADHD). Let me tell you about my experiences:

The Negative:

• An acute awareness of some significant executive functioning issues.
• Suddenly I’ve lost the ability to mask all the time. It’s difficult to explain; the best I can do is tell you my brain finally understands why it needs the sensory input of fidgeting or allowing the occasional chirp to escape, and it will no longer be still. (Some find this unprofessional and treat me like I am no longer an expert in my field.)
• Experiencing my first, honest-to-goodness meltdown in years. Previously, I would go into these horrible spirals where I was just mean and angry. Now my brain knows why it’s so upset and can try to remove the object of my frustration from others. Unfortunately, it sometimes turns on itself. This looks like hiding and occasionally hitting myself in the head.

The Positive:

• Knowing that there is a reason I am the way I am, and it just happens to be part of the fearfully and wonderfully amazing way God made me (Psalm 139).
• Beginning to learn how to set boundaries to stay healthy.
• Finding my place in a community that understands and accepts me.
• Being able to speak to parents I work with as an expert – someone who is #ActuallyAutistic.
• An awareness that my depression gets so bad because I am experiencing an autistic shutdown. I don’t want to kill myself; I just need to stop functioning at such a high capacity.

What I wish people understood:

I am still who I always was. I am still the wise, insightful, energetic, passionate, vibrant, sassy, sarcastic, honest, and unfiltered woman who started a ministry from the ground up. I’m still the pastor who helped facilitate and now leads the state-wide ministry for our denomination. Having the diagnosis, stimming, and learning why and how my brain works does not undermine that; it enhances it. I am uniquely created to do exactly what God has called me to; not despite my autism, but because of it. 

At the risk of sounding a braggart, as John 9:1-3 says, perhaps this was done so the glory of God might be shown in me. I hope so. For His glory and our good.

Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God’s plan.