How often do we say, “I’m fine” when asked “How are you?”

We know the answer: all the time.

And we know why:

1. It takes much too much effort and emotion at times to say how we really are. Sometimes the care, concerns, and challenges we deal with having a child(ren) with special needs would be way too much to try to tackle in a brief conversation.
2. We have often felt that others really don’t care that much about our challenges by how quickly they move off the topic.
3. Sharing our hearts sometimes is way too vulnerable.
4. There needs to be safety in sharing some of what we really want to share.
5. It’s culturally appropriate.
6. We can have little engagement.
7. It’s neutral so we are safe.

Keeping these things in mind, we might need to take inventory and see what it might take to truly open our hearts with a truthful answer.

For us, we’ve learned that some people really don’t want to know, and we aren’t going to waste our time or breath to unload or even share in a light way a challenge we’re experiencing. And then, we also don’t want to unload because those who’ve not had a child with special needs or someone in their family or life with special needs, truly don’t get it. We certainly didn’t before our son, Joey, was born.

Sure, Joe provided dental services to a group/nursing type home early in his dental career, but while that gave a sense of some challenges, it wasn’t the same as living with and raising a child with special needs. And while Cindi, as a teacher, had students with needs, it was far different than what we have had with our son.

The times we can truly answer that greeting, “How are you?” is with a family member or close friend who has walked with us in some of the hard times, because they get it. When others don’t get it, it’s OK. We just need to know where to share our hearts. If we don’t have a close friend or family member, this might be an amazing opportunity for the church to step in.

Is there a special needs ministry in the church or community that can have a team of caring individuals who are willing to check in on families and find out how they’re doing? Or ask if they have any needs, and how someone might step in to help? Help might range from the simple day to day cares (helping with chores, or other children in the family) to more critical times such as helping when the child with special needs is hospitalized or when the caregiver is out of commission.

It’s a commitment, and one that is a great gift to families who wish they were seen for the challenges they’re experiencing. We can guarantee that these helps will ensure us saying truthfully, “I’m fine.”