In May of last year, I got remarried to my current wife (Faith), having been divorced from my first wife – my son’s mom, several years ago. Following the divorce, I became a single parent to my disabled son Chris. While I doubted that new love could find me, I met Faith through my work with Joni and Friends at the family retreats they hosted.

I never expected to wind up divorced, I poured my heart and life into my son and did my best to be a good parent when we were together but was excited to have a partner in life and parenting again. But there were questions and concerns I had about the new dynamics in the family, not because I doubted my new wife’s ability as a parent, but how we would work together with my ex-wife. While my son’s mom also found new love and was engaged to someone, they were not married and I did not consider him to be a stepfather. But my new wife is a stepmom. Working out the details of boundaries and communication was going to be important, and I wanted both moms to work together and collaborate.

At the time the divorce was being completed we agreed to maintain a cushion of a few months between either of us meeting someone new and introducing them to Chris because it was important to us to not just introduce him to someone unless it was serious. In my case, we experienced a very quick courtship (a little over 5 months) from our first date to our wedding day, which meant that Chris needed to meet Faith as soon as possible to get acclimated. But I also need to give sufficient notice to his bio mom, because she would need to accept the decision to introduce them on a shorter notice and accept her joining the family as an equal voice in his daily life. She was very supportive, so Chris and Faith were introduced and got to spend a couple of months around one another before the wedding. The three of us spent time together at our separate homes, having meals, watching TV, and going for long walks outside with him and his service dog. It was great to see a connection forming between the two of them, and I was quickly convinced the relationship would work out between them, and equally sure it would work out for us as a married couple and as a family.

As our wedding plans and new dynamic with my son continued to take shape, I began to reflect on my previous marriage, not out of a desire to return to it, but to examine any negative feelings I had towards my ex-wife about the divorce and how I was treated. While it was a relatively easy process with limited conflict during the mediation, I did not want the divorce initially and was blindsided by her decision to leave the marriage, and our early interactions around the divorce were not always pleasant. I was profoundly hurt by her choice, and while came to an agreement in the end, I held onto what was said and done in the process. Once the divorce was finalized, we moved into a co-parenting relationship, and for the most part, worked very well together, supporting one another best as possible. Like most co-parenting situations, there were ups and downs and things were said and done that managed to open old wounds. During these years, I prayed with many close friends, spoke with pastors and counselors, and did much work to move through all these feelings.

With my future unfolding quickly, I continued to do as much internal work as possible to prepare to step into my new life. With our wedding rapidly approaching and only a couple of months to prepare, I focused on being as present as possible. As we worked feverishly to secure our wedding venue, work with our church staff and volunteers to organize the ceremony and select a caterer, I also reflected heavily on one aspect of the event. I decided I wanted Chris to be my best man.

I was choosing my son with severe autism who really couldn’t stand still to be with me. I chose him because of our relationship as my son and as the person who provided the motivation and inspiration for much of my life’s work in disability advocacy and ministry, and I met Faith at a disability retreat I attended with him. Because I knew he would have a hard time standing for what was going to be a very long service, I asked a close friend of mine (Sam) to be my “backup”, although I knew he would likely be the guy to hand me the rings. I hoped our guests would see the love and pride I had for my son through having him up stand with me even with his challenges, while acknowledging Chris might not want to stand for a long ceremony.

On the day of the wedding, Chris had one of his personal care workers and his Special Olympics coach come to support him. Fortunately, we had many friends who knew him and were comfortable with disability, so I was pretty sure he’d be fine. He arrived at the church with his support people, decked out in a very formal suit, which matched mine quite well, and we took pictures together and of him individually. When the ceremony started, we walked up to the stage as a group – myself, Chris, our pastor, my friend Sam and Chris’ coach, along with the service dog and we took our assigned places. I assumed he would stay on the stage until Faith walked out and joined me and would then walk off for a break with his people, but to my surprise he stayed with his coach to the side of the stage, right up front for everyone to see. After the ceremony, he joined us for dinner and we had a first dance as a family, the three of us along with his service dog. We took a few more pictures together before his support people took him home to his mom.

After the celebration, we stayed at a nearby hotel and drove home the following day for a few days off to transition into our new married life but walked into the house to be greeted by a living room floor full of gifts and packages from the wedding. A friend who lived nearby offered to collect them and drop them off at the house and after we settled in we decided to open the gifts. For this activity, I had no specific strategy or approach. I grabbed bags and gifts at random, opening the card first to identify who it came from, and as Faith wrote down the info I finished opening the item. When we got to the last bag, I chose to pull the item out of the bag first rather than opening the card. I reached in and pulled out what I thought was a kitschy piece of wedding decor that might have come from a Hallmark store or the equivalent – a pewter sculpture with two hearts, one large one and a smaller one inside of it. Inside of the smaller heart was a hanging cross – the card attached to it described the importance of keeping God in the middle of your marriage – an important message we could surely appreciate.

What came next was completely unexpected. As I reached in the bag for the card I saw it came from my son Chris. While it would normally be a very emotional experience to receive this gift from him, the reality was much more profound. My son never had the experience of picking out his own cards and gifts for birthdays and holidays without his mom or myself helping him, because he isn’t sufficiently independent to do that by himself. By default, any gift to his mom or myself came from the other parent, with a message written by us while supporting Chris with his signature. This time was no different but came with much more significance because it was an acknowledgement from his mom and my ex-wife that she was happy for us and celebrating with us. It also caused a great deal of residuall anger and frustration I had from the divorce to roll off my shoulders as I finally embraced a posture of forgiveness toward her. While the gift was a wonderful gesture, it was so much more than just a nice sentiment. It was a lesson for me about the significance of true forgiveness and moving forward together with my new wife.

John Fela (M. Ed) is a national disability advocate, serving both faith-based and non-faith-based disability organizations. He previously worked for Joni and Friends, a global disability ministry. Prior to that, he spent almost 20 years in education, serving in a variety of roles as a classroom teacher in both public and private school settings, as well as being a mentor teacher and school director. He holds certifications in both Montessori and traditional teaching methods, and trained in a variety of specializations, including ESL and Special Education. He is a public speaker, blogger for a variety of disability advocacy platforms, and author of Faith Like My Father, a memoir of his journey as a parent of disability. John lives in Lyons, IL with his wife, Faith, and is father to his son Christopher (ASD/NS). Follow John on his website: www.johnfela.com