“It’s just a fact, not a complaint.” We say that so often.

When sharing something that might come across as a compliant in the everyday care of our son (Joey) with special needs, when experiencing a challenging behavior, or relating some hardship that special needs can deliver – we often qualify things by saying “It’s just a fact, not a complaint.”

Can you relate? Those times when you start sharing something and you start to hear yourself sound like you’re complaining to others, but you’re simply sharing it. Realizing the intensity life can bring when things aren’t going as planned or hoped (which honestly is about 99% of the time), let’s break down to the resons behind what might be misunderstood as a complaining:

EMOTIONS

Sometimes their emotions (outbursts, yelling, hitting, pounding, stomping, running away, etc.) can get to us after a while and affect us. While we might master our own emotions most of the time, we know there are times it gets to us! If we start sharing that, please understand what it took for us to get to that point of frustration enough to tell you about it. When we say, “It’s just a fact, not a complaint,” don’t think we’ve lost it. We’re just telling you about our everyday, which might not be what we tell you everyday.

OUR MIND

We can guarantee that most people have little to no idea all that goes through our minds on an average day–the planning, the posture of our words and the way they are interpreted by our child whose mind is not able to grasp it all. We must play phycologist every minute of the day in things like:

• Getting our child to the bathroom to get ready for the day, or to get to the table for a meal, or getting them to eat…
• Trying to have a conversation with our spouse (or any adult) when a million other things are vying for our attention as it relates to our child – even if they’re an adult…
• Placing our words just so to be able to sway our child to see things our way, behave a certain way, or simply respond to us in whatever way they respond (a sound or noise we don’t always understand, pointing, a look, etc.)…
• Telling them something that isn’t quite as it really is, wondering if we are telling them a lie, or simply adjusting our motives, minds, actions, etc. to find a good result that will work in this situation… (one of the thousands throughout the day!)

When we share one of the above scenarios, realize it’s just a fact and we aren’t complaining, because we do it all the time.

OUR BODY

The words tired and exhausted are not thrown around lightly, they are lived. Even at age 44, Joey (who is mobile and limited verbally) might awaken 2-4 times a night and come to our room to tell us about something. Maybe it’s:

• A storm he hears (there is no storm).
• His covers are tangled.
• He thinks it’s morning (time isn’t comprehended).
• Perhaps he’ll simply kiss us and say, “I love you.” (And really, who can complain about that?!)

All in all, while being tired and exhausted is a part of the day to day of caring for a child with special needs, it’s real and it’s a fact. Sometimes it might also be a complaint, but most of us are so accustomed to no, little, or fragmented sleep, that we are just telling you about it, not complaining. (Ok, maybe we’d like a little understanding!)

SPIRITUALLY

This is a big one. For those of us who are Christ followers, we understand that what we just covered can be ways for us to feel the attacks of the evil one wishing for us to fail in some way. We realize how important it is for each of us to read God’s word daily, memorize verses that can really sustain us in those time we want to yield toward complaining, and keep our mind focused on Him.

While all these areas are places where the church might step in to help in physical ways, this point is the baseline. The church, coming alongside those of us who want to serve the Lord well, can help us to understand our role in the life of this child (or loved one in our care), and support us in our spiritual walk with the Lord by:

• Praying for us.
• Letting us know you are praying for us.
• Offering tangible helps when able to, and giving us a sense of being seen and understood.
• Leading a bible study that might include help for children with special needs so we can learn and grow.
• Being a buddy to our child in a classroom at church so we can spiritually gain wisdom from a message being shared without quieting, holding, caring for the one with special needs when they are with us. It’s distracting and often we leave not hearing or learning much.

This journey is a long one, and one with many facets. Having others to share about it is so helpful, so when we do, please understand (for the most part) it’s just a fact, not a complaint.

 

HELP IS ON THE WAY: A NEW BOOK by Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini is being written for Moody Publishing to encourage and equip parents who have a child with special needs! Additionally, they have written: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs, have spoken nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:

www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at:

www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini

www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/

www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/