This is the second post in a series titled: Churches That Encourage Adoption Should Be Trauma Informed and Disability Accommodating. Read part 1 here.
God's directive for adoptive families is the same as it is for every family. But adoptive, special-needs families experience extra challenges to meet this calling. The church can help fill in the gaps that exist through opportunities for community and fellowship, meeting the extra needs of these families, and inclusion for the children. As Dr. Chris Shirley writes, "... a church is a place where the family learns how to be a family ... God's way." Adoptive special needs families deserve to be able to learn how to be a family God's way with the support of their church.
Isolation can set in during periods of cocooning if the church is not diligent about reaching out and keeping adoptive families connected. Then, when the families return to church with a child with additional needs, they may fear their child will not be welcomed or loved. The church must meet the needs of the parents and the children, so they can remain a part of the church family. Dr. Karen Kennemur writes, "Spiritual training taken seriously by parents includes fellowship in a faith community or church. Families should attend churches with excellent children's ministries that provide strong Bible teaching for children and mission activities for families, among other opportunities."
The first challenge churches can help parents overcome is a feeling of isolation and loneliness. Reasons for this include being busy with therapy and doctors' appointments and therefore unable to socialize; the fact that children with special needs do not always fit in with their same age peers (making it a challenge for parents to get the children together); others can see them as "super parents" they can't relate to. Jason Whitt describes why this last reason is especially hurtful:
Parents of special needs children are no more exemplary in loving their children than are any other parents. When Christians offer these platitudes to special needs parents, they betray a moral imagination that values children with intellectual disability as other and less than “normal” children. More than likely, no one intends to convey this message. Nonetheless, comments like these indicate an imagination shaped by a view of human beings emphasizing rationality and autonomous self-determination—an anthropology deficient in understanding human being as extrinsically grounded in God’s gifting. While it is important to avoid suggesting that families of children with disabilities are moral exemplars for loving their children, it is equally necessary to recognize that they face unique issues that other families do not."
Churches can help foster friendships and a sense of belonging by having appropriate childcare when small groups are meeting (even beyond the expected age someone would qualify for childcare), offer support groups where special-needs parents can spend time with others who get it, and provide respite opportunities (either at the church or in the home).
Churches can also meet the additional, practical care needs of adoptive special-needs families. One effective way is to set up a network of support through family care plans, a document that gives the family's contact info, lists a person in the church they trust to be the go-to in a crisis, and has information that would be helpful for those serving the family (like food allergies). When that family has a need, the staff, deacons, or elders can refer to the family care plan and step in to help without disrupting the family more than necessary.
In his article, Kirk Gibbons gives practical tips for how churches and friends can care specifically for foster families:
... foster parents face all the issues of parenting that the families in the church face, and many other issues that they do not. Experienced parents can minister to foster parents by checking in with them and encouraging them in the struggles of parenting. They can set up play dates or get-togethers that help the children feel welcome, but also support the parents. For some families who are not able to foster regularly, but are open to babysitting, they can sign up with the ongoing foster care worker to be background checked and cleared to be approved babysitters, so that foster parents can also feed their marriages and spend time together.
These steps will help strengthen the adoptive, special-needs family and keep them as a part of the church body. The other steps include being prepared to welcome the children into the weekly rhythms of the church family and make accommodations when necessary. As Amy Fenton Lee reminds her readers, "I have found that the single biggest determinant for a child's success [in church] is the strength of the relationship between the church and the child's parents." Churches that are diligent and proactive about taking steps to be accommodating and welcoming set up the entire family for success. They can do that at each stage of development through their preschool, elementary, and youth ministries.
A general understanding of the effects of trauma on children who are adopted is a good place to start. This information from Wounded Children, Healing Homes is speaking of the school setting, but it applies to church settings as well:
Although we are amazingly resilient beings, our developing brains are affected by trauma, particularly early and chronic maltreatment. For children who have suffered early neglect and abuse, school can be an enormous struggle because the trauma has affected their brain development. For children who have experienced trauma later in development but are otherwise securely attached, learning is a distraction away from the emotional healing process. Either way, the underlying causes of poor academic performance are often overlooked, and the related behaviors take precedence as the focus of interventions.
The author continues, "Children identified as needing special education for behavioral and emotional disturbances were found to have experienced major disruptions in relationships with their primary caregivers, compared to children without the behavioral disturbance." Teachers and volunteers working with these children and adolescents need to understand, "Some misbehaving is just what kids do sometimes, and there is nothing particularly meaningful behind it. But for traumatized children, more often than not, behavior is strategic and functional (although not always conscious)."
There are many resources for helping students who use behavior to communicate their needs. A quick summary of what is most helpful in a church setting includes understanding what we refer to as the ABCs of behavior. B stands for behavior, and that is controlled by the child. A stands for antecedent and C stands for consequence, and those can be influenced by the teacher, helpers, and environment. When a child of any age is disruptive or frustrated, he/she will behave in a certain way to change the situation or expectations. We can look at that behavior and determine if we can change what came before it (the antecedent) or what came after (the consequence).
If a preschool child won't sit for circle time, the teacher needs to pay attention to why. Is he being pulled away from a preferred activity and struggling with the transition? Is he uncomfortable sitting on the floor? Is he unhappy that he doesn't get more attention from the teacher (or helpers) during circle time? Those are all antecedents that can be adjusted. If the result for the child who disrupts circle time is desirable (like getting to help pass out snacks or receiving extra attention—even if that attention is negative), those are consequences that can be changed. This same pattern is true for the fourth grader who won't stop touching his neighbor while others are sharing prayer requests, or the thirteen-year-old who shouts out wrong answers during discussion time. The staff and volunteers can observe the ABCs of behavior and make a plan for adjustments. If the situation seems overwhelming, churches can call on help from a behavioral therapist to observe and make recommendations. They can contact local ABA therapy providers or their school district for help.
Now that we understand the challenges children may have with behavior, based on the trauma they have experienced, in part 3 we’ll focus on how to meet needs at different stages of development.
Sandra Peoples is a special-needs mom and sibling. She and her family live outside of Houston, TX. Sandra is currently a PhD student at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in family ministry with an emphasis on inclusion for special-needs families. She is the disability ministry consultant for the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention and an adjunct professor for Liberty University, teaching classes in disability ministry. Sandra the author of Unexpected Blessings: The Joys and Possibilities of Life in a Special-Needs Family. You can connect with her at sandrapeoples.com.
