Over the last two years, I have been on a journey to understand my mental health. I wanted to know why my brain works as it does.
I have an autoimmune disease, am neurodivergent, have P.T.S.D. from a pretty gnarly childhood, am naturally codependent, and have bipolar disorder. For those reasons and more, I set out two years ago to understand myself—so I could grow. So my developmental disabilities and mental illness would not stifle my calling into ministry. Occasionally I have shared glimpses into the insight I’ve gained through Key Ministry. This is another one of those occasions.
For those who don’t have bipolar disorder, let me try to explain it to you as best as I can.
In a three-month period, I will experience prolonged times of severe depression. During the depressive season, I battle the intense need to self-injure. My particular poison is cutting. I am thankful it has been seven years, two months, and thirteen days since I last self-injured. More days than not, it has at least been a thought.
The counterpart of severe depression is mania. During manic periods, I will be happy, bouncy, energetic, creative, loud, goofy, perhaps overly confident—and easily triggered. Besides that last one, mania doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Here’s the crazy thing: the mania—in many ways—is harder than the depression. Allow me to explain.
When I am depressed, I want to cut. When I am depressed, I just want to not exist anymore. It is so easy for me to see the lies of the enemy. I know with my knower (as I often say) that I am loved, wanted, special, seen, chosen, and a force for the Kingdom, though internally I am depressed. I know the truth even when the lies scream. I know how to pray and battle the enemy on these things.
With the mania, it’s different. I don’t know what is true and what is a lie. Is the One True God empowering me, or am I overconfident to the point of pridefulness? Am I going to get hurt because my autoimmune condition weakens my muscles until I cannot stand it? Am I being fun and friendly or annoying and bothersome to others? Am I angry for a legitimate reason or am I just triggered because someone interrupted my mania-fueled, creative obsession? And how am I supposed to afford the expense that mania brings? Okay, I’m partly joking, but Wal-Mart is a dangerous place in these seasons.
That’s just the day-to-day struggle. Then there’s the anxiety of knowing the low is coming. And how much the low sucks. Because the high feels really high and the lows feel really, well, low.
Bipolar disorder affects everything in your life. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes bad, but it is real. Typically I try to end articles with a point. “Here’s how to fix it.” Have a shiny bow to go on this solution I give you. But I don’t have one for this yet. What I do have after two years of self-reflection are these pieces of wisdom for my bipolar brothers and sisters:
You are just as incredible during your low points, where the depression makes you want to unalive yourself, as you feel during the highs.
You are loved and cherished on both poles and everywhere in the middle.
When you’re manic – so full of hope and energy – make sure you are still active with a Kingdom mindset.
You do have gifts! Incredible gifts. Amazing gifts! Even when you can’t see it because you are blinded by depression, your existence makes the world better and the Kingdom stronger!
You can have Jesus and a therapist, too.
It’s okay to take medication if it helps you.
You are not alone in these struggles. They do not disqualify you from being a valuable part of God’s plan.
Try to tune your ear to God in both seasons. Go when He says go, even if you’re depressed. Be still when He says to be still, even when you are manic. And during the in-between, the season when everything feels weird because it’s supposed to be like the normal everyone else experiences, it’s just not yours. So when everything feels muted because you’re used to everything feeling so big, look for God there, too.
Trust God to show up on both poles; and in the in-between, because He will.
My dear friends,
“May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” 2 Thessalonians 3:5
Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace, with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God's plan.
