“Do you ever get to show the people at church what you’re good at?” I asked.
“Yes,” eleven-year-old Eric replied, grinning. “Like that time we were doing handstands and dive roles and singing! Some of the people in the room would say, ‘Nice job, Eric,’ or ‘Ryan, you’re good at doing handstands.’ Everybody was able to do something they were good at, and nobody laughed at them because their thing wasn’t as cool as somebody else’s.”
As a research psychologist, I have been studying children’s ministry for about ten years.
Eric was a participant in one of my very first studies. I wanted to know what made kids feel loved and valued at church, and the results surprised me. Eric and his little brother were the stars of the church Christmas play that year. They appeared on stage in front of the entire congregation and dazzled the audience with their performances. But that wasn’t what made Eric feel special. What made him feel special was when everyone watched him do dive rolls in the children’s ministry during free time.
Image by Carlos Magno on unsplash.com
The Untapped Potential of Unstructured Playtime
In a later study, 82% of the children’s pastors I surveyed said that unstructured playtime was a regular part of their Sunday morning program. Many of them began the morning with unstructured playtime because the children showed up at different times, and they didn’t want to start teaching until everybody got there. But play is not just a way to kill time until the “real” ministry work begins. Unstructured playtime can be an incredibly powerful tool for reaching kids who struggle with feelings of worthlessness and rejection, often because of traumatic experiences in their past. But this only happens if we know what we’re doing! Here are four ways to reach hurting kids during unstructured playtime:
1. Give kids a chance to demonstrate their abilities.
Children need to feel like they are good at things other people care about. Of course, it feels good when adults at church congratulate them for memorizing all ten Bible verses. However, as children get older, it becomes more important for them to impress their peers. For example, it may be extremely important for them to show the other children at church how they can do the splits, jump over a chair, draw a unicorn, dominate in the latest video game, or create tiny paper puppets in the shape of Star Wars characters. For kids who feel like a failure at school or at home, unstructured playtime is an opportunity to build their confidence and sense of self-worth.
2. Spend time talking and playing with them.
Unstructured playtime is an opportunity to simply be present with kids without any agenda, expectations, or judgments. It shows them how much they matter to you. Pastor Todd, one of the children’s pastors I interviewed, said it well:
“Sitting down and playing in the sand with them goes a long way. They really appreciate that someone will take the time to do this. A lot of the kids that we deal with are inner-city kids. They may not have a mom or dad. So having an adult stop and pay attention to them can go a long way because they feel like they’re somebody.”
When you and your team play with the children and give them attention, it shows them that you value them, and that it’s worth your time just to hang out with them.
3. Let kids make their own choices.
Pastor Leslie, another pastor I interviewed, scheduled twenty minutes of unstructured playtime every Sunday. During this time, ten-year-old Colin started his own Bible study with two of the other fifth graders. They chose their own study topics and wrote their own discussion questions. All on their own the boys sat in a circle, studied the Bible, and asked each other questions. They were more engaged in their studies than in any lesson Pastor Leslie had ever taught. That’s because it was their own creation, their own idea, their own initiative. Pastor Leslie explained:
“Unstructured playtime is critical. It’s like recess. I think if we’re constantly controlling how kids interact with each other or what they’re doing, they lose the opportunity for their own creative minds to engage with one another.”
Hurting kids often feel like adults are just waiting for them to mess up. When you let kids make their own choices, it makes them feel good because it shows them that you trust them to do the right thing.
4. Give kids space to express their big feelings.
Most kids don’t have the words to express their big feelings. But they can express themselves through the language of play. Kids who feel sad, frustrated, or angry inside often communicate those feelings through violent drawings or aggressive play. Don’t be quick to punish or discourage that type of expression. Instead, give them a safe space to play out their anger. Designate an area with toys specifically intended for that purpose, like Nerf guns, foam swords, and bop bags. This gives them a healthy way to express their anger and frustration, and it shows them that their feelings matter.
In Conclusion:
In nearly every church, there are hurting kids struggling with feelings of worthlessness and rejection. To reach these kids, we must be intentional. We must use every tool and opportunity available—especially unstructured playtime—to show these kids how much they matter to God and to us.
This guest blog is written by Robert Crosby, PhD. To learn more about reaching the hurting kids in your ministry, read Trauma-Informed Children’s Ministry: A Practical Guide to Reaching Hurting Kids by Robert and Lori Crosby. Robert and Lori Crosby will be leading an intensive workshop on the topic of trauma-informed children’s ministry at the Disability and the Church Conference in April 2023. Reach Hurting Kids Institute also offers a self-guided trauma training specifically for children’s ministry teams at https://www.reachhurtingkids.com/workshop.
