As a pastor, I leave for worship about two hours or more before the rest of my family. I go in early to practice the sermon, do technology checks, and get things ready for a day of worship. Before leaving, I almost always ask my wife, "Do you think you all will be coming to worship today?"
That seems like an odd question for a pastor to ask his own family. It is not when you are a pastor who happens to have a son with autism.
While our son loves being in the church and especially enjoys looking at our stained-glass ceiling formation, he cannot always handle the crowds and noise that come with being in worship. We want him to go to worship because we know it will be good for him to be there (even if he can only handle a few minutes). We also know that the more our congregation interacts with our son, the more they will love and welcome him.
Photo by Ability Ministry on Disability Is Beautiful
At the same time, we never want to put him in a situation that could overwhelm or harm him simply because we think he should be there.
We try to meet his needs while living into the realities of being a pastoral family. Thus, we ask that weekly question where it is almost always iffy whether they will be there by the time worship begins.
They are there about half the time, which is a good percentage for someone who struggles with crowds and loud noises. The other half of our worship experience typically finds the rest of my family gathered in our living room to worship online while our children are mesmerized that Daddy is on television. I am in the church leading our congregation in worship while my family is at home caring for their needs. One of the blessings of the pandemic has been the increased availability of online worship, especially for special needs families.
I have advocated for my church and other pastors to continue offering live streaming of worship, so families like mine that may not always be able to attend in person can have access to worship.
I know we make the right call for my family to stay home, especially when he is overwhelmed before worship begins. I know my congregation understands, as best as they can, the difficulties we experience as a pastoral family and having a child with multiple needs. At the same time, I feel alone and isolated when they are not there.
That is because I feel the weight of that good-old unwritten pastoral expectation that a pastor's family should be present in worship every week. When they are not in person for worship, I am more anxious about my leadership in those weeks. I feel different and separate from the church in those weeks. I feel sorrow when I see children enjoying activities in the church that I know they would enjoy.
I want my family to be with me, but I want to do what is best for my son.
My mind is more anxious on those Sundays. That was the case on Easter Sunday when our son had a meltdown before worship. I needed to be both a pastor and a dad at that moment to make sure he was safe and to help my wife determine if he needed to go home. (We decided he needed to go home to help him calm down, and our younger son stayed with me.) We made the right decision, but it was still a hard one to make. It is tough being both a pastor and a dad of a child with autism.
I can see signs of hope through the challenges of being a pastor and parent of a child with autism. The more we share what we experience, the more I help others see I can be both a pastor and a father to a child with autism. I do not hear people say as often that I need to leave the ministry because of my son. I experience their encouragement when I am without my family. As the community sees our effort, his needs, and the work we can do together, it helps them to understand the challenges we face, how we are persevering, and where they can be the church with us.
That does not mean that I do not have those Sundays where I look at their familiar pew and think, "I wish they were here."
Guest blogger, Shannon Blosser, is an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church serving in Huntington, W.V. His ministry includes actively advocating for autism inclusion in the church. He regularly writes about his experience as a pastor and father of an autistic child and offers tips for the church to work towards inclusion on his blog. His ministry blog is shannonblosser.com. He is a graduate of Asbury Theological Seminary and West Virginia University. He is married to Abbi, and together they have two sons. You can contact him on Twitter @ShannonBlosser or on Facebook.
