I am disabled. For years that was so hard to admit. I couldn’t mention out loud my neurodivergence. I whispered about my post-traumatic stress disorder, insisting ‘I’m better now.’ I was a champion for the disabled who didn’t want to talk about her own disabilities. It was disingenuous, but I didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I was disabled. I was still scared that admitting my disability publicly would convince people I was not able to do anything.
Growing up it was clear disabled people were not respected. I rebelled from that view point and became a champion for the least of these. Still, I couldn’t admit aloud that I fit in with this group of beautiful, wise, strong, courageous, funny, and admittedly strange misfits. Then 5 years ago I was injured and this injury caused the onset of an autoimmune condition. The disabilities could no longer be masked. It was obvious for everyone to see. Like ripping off a band-aid I suddenly had to own who I was, disabilities and all.
Image from @joshappel on Unsplash
It is true, and out in the open for all to see, I am disabled. It’s no longer hard for me to say. Accepting that fact has been such a journey. I have found that it has been a beautiful road though. These are my people. The people who info dump and need a body double. The people who rock and spin and flap. The people who are unfiltered, and honest. I belong to this subculture. It is one of the only places I can truly be me. It is this realization that shows me the fact that ableism is still alive in me. Yes, though I am disabled and have truly dedicated my life to making the gospel accessible to people with disabilities, ableism is still in there. It is hard wired within me. This ableism, however, is highly personal. This is a vendetta against myself.
Are you a wheelchair user? Let’s get you to the ramp. I am so glad you are here.
Visually impaired? Let’s print the chapter in a size you can read. 64pt font sounds great.
Autistic? Here’s a buddy bag filled with 3 different fidgets, a visual schedule and a pair of noise canceling headphones.
Need a body double to get your work done? I got you.
Need a break, that’s fine, we all get overwhelmed.
But when I need those same accommodations, the internalized ableism is so loud. The things my mind says to me are cruel.
“You should be able to do this.”
“Printing your sermon like that will be a waste of money.”
“Don’t use a fidget, you’ll just distract them.”
“They are going to get tired of making room for you at the table because you’re too needy. What 34 year old needs help down the stairs.”
“They would be better off with someone a little less different.”
It’s brutal and exhausting. Things no one around me would EVER say, but my mind does. In my head I have some how managed to be the ONLY disabled person who is worth less than their non disabled peers.
I shame myself for needing the things I celebrate giving to others. Yes, I have learned internal and external ableism are not the same thing. Internal ableism is a beast of its own sort. See I can walk away from rude people, but my mind goes with me. If I’ve experienced it, then certainly many other incredible, talented, disabled people have as well.
As such, I want to share a few thoughts on how to combat internalized ableism. Trust me, I am not done learning either. They are similar to the very same things we tell everybody else, which is in fact how we know they are true.
Remember the facts.
Fact 1: We all struggle at some point. Able-bodied people will eventually need accommodations. Needing assistance is a part of the human condition and not something we need to feel bad for.
Fact 2: Everyone holds value and worth no one can take away from them. Even you can’t mar the innate value God has given you.
Fact 3: Needing more is not equal to being worth less. Enough said.
Fact 4: Persons with disabilities are very gifted. As such they are an asset to many teams.
Fact 5: No one should ever feel like they have to apologize for a disability. Yes, disabled people must grow and continue growing, but we owe no explanation for why we need what we need. The right people will see that.
Disabled friends, the world has spent so much time trying to convince us we are somehow more flawed. Outcasts. Worth less. But that’s not what Jesus says. We must be careful not to perpetuate that idea, even to ourselves. As the disabled voice in the church, in our workplaces, and in our world, we must affirm the right to accommodations. That means offering the same accommodations for success to ourselves as we would offer anyone else with the same needs.
You do not need to apologize for needing things to be successful. They are needs and they are part of what make you an asset, not a burden. Fidgets, noise canceling head phones, wheelchairs, large print, breaks, sensory chairs, parallel working environments, and so much more allow us to make the impact we are meant to make. I work every day on not feeling bad for needing these types of things. They let me do what I am called to and I am certain they do the same for you. As such, the people around you should be thankful that you have access to them and not condemn you for utilizing them. If we encourage this view from others we must hold ourselves to the same standard.
For years ableism has been written into our society. So much so that it is written into us. This is a fact that we all face. The exciting thing is that we don’t have to be the victim because of it. We must accept ourselves AND our limitations and find the people who do the same. When we do this, we get to show off our unique talents and abilities and show that victory and disability can go hand and hand.
I pray, we will move through this new year, more accepting of our own disabilities. More patient with our own needs. More excited about the unique creation God made us to be. Just like everyone else we come with their own strength and weaknesses, if we can accept ourselves we can create a better world for disabled people who come after us.
Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God's plan.
