As we walked from our table in the restaurant out to the car, I noticed some of the glances from the people around us along the way. After I helped my mom down the step with her walker, a woman looked at me as if she wanted to say something but didn’t. Another man offered to open the door on our way out and paused. I’ve come to realize that these are brief encounters with others who either at one time were or currently are a caregiver for a loved one. I’ve come to realize this, not because of my mom’s diagnosis of Dementia and Parkinsonian Syndrome three years ago, but because of my daughter’s diagnosis of Autism and Developmental Delays over fifteen years ago. It’s sometimes even hard to fathom, but I am now a caregiver caring for multiple generations of my family. I am caring for both my daughter who is nineteen and has a lifelong disability, and, along-side my dad, I am caring for my mom who is in her early seventies and has two devastating degenerative diseases. I am only forty-eight years old.
Like me, there are many finding themselves sandwiched between two generations and caring for both. It is without a doubt, one of the hardest roads to walk. It’s physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting, and it is beyond heartbreaking to go through as both a parent and a child. I take comfort in knowing that we have a loving God who is near to the broken hearted (Psalms 34:18), and I’m thankful for the strategies that I’ve learned along the way which have helped me to not merely survive but thrive on my journey as a caregiver. Here are just a few of those strategies.
Take Care of Yourself
First take care of yourself. If you’re not doing well, you won’t be able to help anyone else. I worked as a lifeguard through high school and college, and one of the first things they taught us was that drowning lifeguards cannot save drowning people. The message was clear. Don’t allow yourself to be put in a position of being taken down. Take care of yourself. Take a break and do the things that you enjoy: read a book, listen to a podcast, create something, get out in nature, and find a way to laugh.
Proverbs 17:22 tells us, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
An important note: if you are struggling with anxiety and depression, please don’t hesitate to contact a licensed therapist or counselor. When you take care of yourself you can operate from a place of strength, and you’ll be far more effective at doing the things you need to do, including caregiving for those you love.
Invest in Your Marriage
It is so important to invest in your marriage. There are many stressors involved in caregiving, and just as we operate from a stronger place when we take care of ourselves, we operate from a stronger place when our marriage is thriving as well.
Here are a few things you can do to help stay connected and grow together in your marriage. Communicate daily with a face to face, a text chain, a call, etc. Date weekly and spend one-on-one time together, even if this means hiring caregivers or having that date in your own backyard. Getaway once a year, even if it’s only for a day and takes a lot to plan and prepare. Research shows that getting away and having time to relax and play is good for mood and physical healing.
Connect with Others
Sometimes it’s tempting to simply give up and isolate ourselves rather than connect with others. We tell ourselves that it’s too hard, we’re too busy, or we’re too tired. We may be struggling with sadness and grief, and think no one will understand or want to be around us. However, God has created us to be in relationship with others, and it can be such a blessing.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
So, take the time to connect with others no matter how busy, tired, sad, or misunderstood you may feel. Connection with others is powerful.
Photo credit: Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash.com.
Let it Go
Often when something feels out of our control in life, we feel a need to control whatever else we can. I spent many years trying to do this. The problem is that a person can only run at this pace for so long, and at some point I couldn’t any longer. I had to learn to let things go. As a multi-generational caregiver, it is impossible to meet everyone’s needs all the time. I’m often having to let go of something. In life, it’s important to learn that not everything is going to be perfect or the way you hoped it would be. Life is unpredictable, but sometimes in the middle of the unpredictable, the unplanned, and the “unperfect” is where we find our biggest blessings.
So let it go. Let the house be a little messy because it shows that a family is busy making memories there. Let everyone eat take out and spend time laughing around the table instead of cooking. Let yourself do a fraction of what you usually do for the holidays and be a more rested, happy, and present person.
This caregiving life can be challenging enough as it is. We can either take it all on in anger and frustration and end up struggling to find peace in the midst, or we can surrender and trust God with whatever we may face. I’ve done both. Trusting God has been a more peaceful hope-filled road to take. We can find rest in knowing that He has the plans, He makes the way, and He directs our steps.
Christen Freund is the CEO and co-founder of Hope on the Hard Road, Inc, a faith-based nonprofit bringing hope to families on the special needs journey. She and her husband Eric, who is also co-founder, have been married for 25 years and live in the San Diego area with their son and daughter, who is diagnosed with Autism.
