There are days I don't know what to pray. This whole thing is so much bigger, scarier, than I ever could have imagined. I don't even know which way I want it go. This is bigger than me.
I've always had a pretty good handle on medical terms. And special needs was something we finally felt comfortable in. Nothing we dealt with was too emergent. I had time to research, ask, or Google!, to my heart's content. But this is bigger.
I'm in deep now. Things are coming at me fast. Critical care isn't my wheelhouse. I'm a thinker. I mull things over. (Yeah, yeah, maybe I tend to Dwell.) I don't have a trigger-finger when it comes to making big decisions. (My mouth got the trigger-finger, not my brain.) But intensive care is ... intense.
I'm in a place where I can't rely on me anymore. I can't even completely rely on the intelligent people God has placed around me. Oh, believe me, big important people think they know all the stuff going in. But, my guy has proven them wrong time and again these days. This is so much bigger than them.
When I see the smartest of the smart come through my son's room and admit, "I don't know," It's humbling. So big.
Where do we turn when even the best of the best, the highest paid, the people everyone else looks toward say, "I don't know."?
I keep hearing the Chris Tomlin song in my head, "Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, Our God is Healer, God you are higher than any other..." It's like the Holy Spirit is reminding me this is bigger than me, but it is NOT bigger than my God.
God has given us a book, his Word, and it is filled with reminders of how He moves in big ways.
I've lived long enough to not expect God to use fireworks in every moment of our lives. (Don't think I'm not asking for the really big show here.) But these big stories are a reminder to me of who God is, of how big he is.
He is a God who can hold back seas, shut the mouths of lions, turn people to stone, rip temple veils from the hereafter, and who I trust to save my soul. Why wouldn't he be big enough to handle what is going on in the here and now of my life? Of my boy's life?
Right now, this is big. There are medical terms of which I understand about every third word, nights on end of being awake, and watching my guy hurt a hurt like I've never seen before. But I am trusting, hanging on to hope, my God is bigger than all of it.
I'm going back to the Bible stories of my youth to remember God holds us. He hasn't forgotten us.
- Psalm 105:4 (CSB) "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."
- Deuteronomy 31:8 (VOICE) "And he will be leading you. He'll be with you, and he'll never fail you or abandon you. So don't be afraid!"
- Matthew 10:29-30 (CSB) "Aren't two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet, none of them falls to the ground without your Father's consent. But even the hairs on your head have all been counted."
