Crying when God gives what I need and not what I want is a regular event in my life. It's most recent occurrence happened on Sunday. At church. During the sermon.
I thought I'd hidden my tears. Until the woman to my left scooted a few inches away, and my husband gave my shoulder a squeeze. He knew what the woman did not. He knew the pastor had said something that touched the tender spot in my heart, the place where I long for the healthy father I never had.
My husband was right. Our pastor had described Jesus telling the paralytic that his sins were forgiven. Then the pastor paused. "Do you think the paralyzed man thought something like 'Thanks for forgiving my sins, but what I really want is to walk again?’"
Tears welled in my eyes. My dad. My mom. My sister. My brother. Me. We had all wanted Dad to walk again, for God to restore what Dad had lost to multiple sclerosis. But God didn't give us what we wanted.
Long ago, I accepted God's plan for my father's life, though it wasn't what my family wanted. Decades after Dad left this earth, God continues to reveal the good being accomplished through my father's life. Even so, our pastor's words probed the tender spot in my heart where my childhood longings for a healthy father are stored. The probing hurt, and I wept for the father I had wanted.
Our pastor moved onto the mission of Jesus' ministry on earth, clearly stated in Luke 4:18: to preach the gospel to the poor, to proclaim release to the captives, recovery of sight to the blind, and freedom to all who are oppressed. This gospel is good news on a grand scale for sinners. Jesus says we can't earn, escape, or see a way out of our sin. Instead, He promises freedom to all who rest in what He did for us through His death and resurrection.
I pictured my father imprisoned by the late stages of his illnesses. He couldn't sit, eat, speak, bathe, or go to the bathroom without assistance. All he could do was rest in his bed and wait for others to do for him what he couldn't do for himself.
This was not the life I wanted for my father. It's not the life any of us want for our loved ones who live with chronic illness or significant disability. How, then, can it be the life God knows we and our loved ones need?
Because God knows we need the gospel.
We need to hear His good news.
We need to rest in His strength.
We need to wait for His deliverance.
We need to be humbled by our utter weakness.
We need to be undone by His compassion.
We need to become like our loved ones who are totally dependent on others.
Crying when God gives what I need and not what I want will continue to be a regular event in my life. I will continue to cry during sermons and receive hugs from my husband when I do. I will always mourn what my father lost to multiple sclerosis, and you will still grieve your child's illness or disability. We need to grieve and weep for those losses. We also need to weep joyful tears when God uses our loved ones to display His ability to rescue us and all who cannot save themselves, but who humbly rest in the One who can.
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor,
He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind,
to set free those who are oppressed."
Luke 4:18
Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.
