The hood of the car flew up, causing Joe—with Joey in the front seat next to him—to have to think quickly, move to a turning lane, and secure the hood. The hood was probably tripped by someone accidentally, as they were cleaning the inside of our car just moments earlier. And while all that was going on, Joe had to think quickly as to how to frame whatever would come out of his mouth, because Joey will respond—often negatively—if there is shouting, noise, or commotion, and it will be a negative reaction from him. He might yell, hit, scream, or get angry. Crying is almost never in the equation, but he will have a response.
Within seconds, Joe calmly but frightfully said (not shouted), “OH MY,” at the incident that could have been tragic. He put the car in park, turned it off, jumped out in the turning lane, slammed the hood down, and got back in the car. Joey was wide-eyed, visibly shaken, and taken by surprise also. Joe could tell Joey was waiting to know how to respond. Joe asked him, “Are you OK, buddy?” Joey said, “Scared.” Had Joe reacted the way most of us—okay, me—would have, Joey might have freaked out and the situation might have escalated. Not only are our words important, but the tone and the emotion can also make a difference in what happens next.
Sometimes words flow out of our mouths and we wish we could grab them and take them back. Other times we just get off on tangents of thoughts, and the thinking comes out into words that aren’t really helpful and beneficial. In our marriage—and in particular as we parent our “typical” children and children with special needs—our words can land hard on little hearts if we’re not careful. They can also land hard on our hearts, so let’s consider a few ways we can repackage and recycle our words (and thus our actions) into ways that are helpful, beneficial, and life-giving:
Try talking positively about negative things. For example, “It’s been a really rough two years with health-related issues, but I’m hoping the worst is behind us.” None of us know what is around the corner, but being negative and expecting the worst doesn’t help our family or marriage.
Stop complaining. Instead of saying, “I’m sick and tired of ______,” try training your brain to say something like, “I’m weary today, but I’m glad you’re in this with me.” It just retrains and reframes the moment(s).
Use positive rather than negative words. Say “It would be helpful if you would fold the laundry if it’s on the bed,” instead of, “I can’t believe you don’t notice there is laundry to be folded on the bed.”
Think, talk, and respond with actions positively. Attitudes and actions matter. Quit being lazy, serve willingly, and give thanks out loud.
Learn to wait through the tough spots. In that time of waiting we learn to see our needs, we learn to depend on God and each other, and we ultimately grow. Psalm 40:1 says, “I waited patiently for the Lord to help me and he turned to me and heard my cry.”
You can find more to this list in Love ALL-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Need Journey. In the meantime, we can take these five points and practice them. As we practice, we can learn to reframe our responses and recycle our words!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They speak nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife, and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at www.cindiferrini.com and social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
