Disorientation
I don’t know about you, but I’ve found myself feeling unmoored and disoriented the past few weeks during the COVID-19 pandemic. All of us have been living on shifting sands, our normal routines disrupted; those things we take for granted—freedom of movement, freedom of assembly, and freedom from fear of an invisible enemy—all swept out from under us. We need an antidote to panic!
At the beginning of this crisis, with everything shutting down and the economy plummeting, anxiety kidnapped me. I couldn’t think clearly; my brain seemed to liquify into a pile of mush. I couldn’t remember anything to save my life. I honestly found it hard to put together a coherent sentence, much less make decisions. These are symptoms of extreme stress. Our body goes into fight or flight mode, and all of the blood rushes from our brains to our extremities, giving them power to take off and run.
I’ve experienced these symptoms before, 30-plus years ago when we were trying to figure out why Joel wasn’t developing properly; when we were going through years of testing; when adolescence collided with autism and blew up in our faces. I am sure that each one of you has experienced times of extreme stress as you’ve journeyed with your child’s disability. Perhaps today the stress of being cooped up in the house with your family has you tied up in knots, not able to think clearly.
Crying Out for Help
Then, as now, I cried out to God. Deliver me, Lord, from these fears of the unknown! Deliver me, Lord, from the chaos in my brain! Deliver me, Lord, from this sense of helplessness and hopelessness!
When I cry out to the Lord, telling him I’m helpless without him, he always answers in some way, shape, or form. Sometimes with a call from a friend, a letter in the mailbox, a song on the radio, or a timely sermon or book. This time, during the midst of my panic over the pandemic, God whispered to me: Kathy, your brain is tired. It’s time to give it a rest.
Listening to the Lord's Answer to Our Cries
I listen to the Lord when He speaks. I’ve been giving my brain a rest as I take walks with my husband in the state park up the street; as I sit in my prayer chair and watch a blackbird make a nest in a hole in the maple tree just outside the window; as I call old friends and catch up on the news of their families; as I write letters to friends who live across the country and world; and as I read through the Psalms. I particularly love The Voice and The Passion translations. They speak to me in my own language, which is the language of poetry.
I’ve been spending a lot of time in the 23rd Psalm, that old standby that we tend to take for granted. No other psalm gives me as much comfort as this one. I decided to write my own paraphrase. It goes like this:
Psalm 23
The Lord is my Father
He gives me everything I need
He leads me beside a gently flowing river
He restores my soul with a smile
Even though darkness closes in
I am not afraid
I relax in his presence
I know he will never leave me alone
He spreads a red-checked tablecloth
Before me on the bank of the river
He opens a picnic basket full of food that I love
A hunk of cheese, a cluster of grapes, and a bottle of wine
He places his hands on my head
Looks me straight in the eye with that disarming smile
The anointing flows through my body
Spills over the cup of my soul
Most certainly, without a doubt,
I will live with my Father forever
This grace a part of my day-to-day life
My Father’s spirit encamped within my heart.
Artist credit: Violet Freeland.
The Invitation
What is God laying out on that table for you? Perhaps it’s more family time? More time to be out in nature? More time to snuggle with your honey in the morning before getting out of bed? More time to spend in the Word as husband and wife, or as a family? He gifts each one of us individually, according to what he's called us to and what we need. God’s grace falls from an overflowing cup, but we can only experience that grace if we hold out our hands to receive it.
God’s protection and provision surround us, even in the midst of this terrible crisis. It’s easy to forget this when our eyes are glued to the TV news and the latest headlines, or when we're losing ourselves in our favorite Netflix series or a series of books we've been waiting to devour; when we spend the gift of extra time on social media reading everyone else’s thoughts on what the government is or isn’t doing to help; when we allow worry and anxiety to eat a hole through our hearts.
God invited me to re-center myself with a practice as simple as reading through the Psalms. Take a few, deep cleansing breaths. Recite your favorite translation of Psalm 23, out loud. Punctuate your days with this practice. Ask your spouse or your children to join you.
And if there’s a break in the weather—all we seem to be having here in SW Ohio lately is rain!—take a walk outside; if possible, next to a lake or a stream—or better yet, the ocean if that's where you live! Listen to the sound of the birds, the wind and the water. Watch the clouds scud across the sky. Breathe in the beauty. And remind yourself that all of this is God’s gift to you. He is in the midst of it all. Guaranteed, it is an antidote to panic.
Breathe…
Kathy is a spiritual director, author, and co-owner, with her husband, of Cloudland, a contemplative retreat center outside of Oxford, Ohio. The mother of 3 sons, 1 daughter-of-heart, and 1 grandson, she also enjoys writing middle grade fiction. You can reach her through her website, kathleenbolduc.com.
