I was scrolling through my social media the other day when an image pops up that says, “Calling me mama bear is a sweet way to describe the fact that I’d tear you open if you hurt my child.” I scrolled by it and giggled in agreement because after the week we have had, struggling just to get my two special needs children basic education, the quote seemed…well…fitting. Some ridiculous hurdles and barriers have forced us to remove our boys from online schooling. Their specialized educational needs put forth in their respective IEPs, combined with the new structure and requirements for online schooling, created more challenges as their mama than I was able to bear. Yes, this image was fitting, until I heard a whisper from the Holy Spirit. “Is that how my followers react to hardship? Wasn’t I the one who told you to turn the other cheek?” That is true.
This encounter brought about the following question: what does Christ-like advocacy look like for my child? For some, it certainly looks like homeschooling. However, a variety of reasons exist that do not allow that option for others. So how do we advocate for our children in a way that is Christ-like?
Here’s what I’ve discovered:
Pray through it: To advocate for our children in the most Christ-like way possible, we must first wait until we are not responding out of anger. We have to take a step back, hand our kids over to God, cover the situation with prayer, and then address the issue. I know exactly how frustrating it can be to feel like your child is falling through the cracks due to bureaucratic nonsense, but we cannot stay there. We cannot address these things in a Christ-like way without first clothing ourselves with love.
Give some grace: Teachers are usually under a great deal of strain, but this year has been unprecedented in terms of stress and uncertainty. If your child’s teacher seems short with you, or if you’re feeling ignored, recognize it for what it is: stress. Ask if there is a way you can help, or find out something that would be a blessing to the teacher or the classroom environment (school supplies, snacks, etc). It is so easy for us as parents to prod teachers with expectations, concerns, or frustrations and forget that teachers are human, too. Never let your anger cause you to sin against someone who very well may not know Christ. Let God’s grace be what comes from your words.
Have clear expectations: Most of us know that IEPs and Plan 504s require a clear set of goals and expectations for the student, the education staff and administration, and the parents, so that our child can be successful. Before you address the educators your children see, you should ask yourself what goals and expectations you have for the conversation. Where could they improve? What areas do you feel like your child needs more support, and how could they help your child get that? This makes it so much easier for your child’s IEP team to be successful at helping your child thrive.
Show them how far your child has come: If it’s a brand new school year, it’s likely your child’s teacher is trying to get to know not only your child, but about 25 more of them. Start the relationship off in a cooperative place. Send an email to your child’s teacher to show the progress that has been made. I love doing this. I simply take a picture of one of the paragraphs on my child’s original autism diagnosis, email it to them and say, “Please read this, and thank you for being a huge piece of helping my child do the impossible.” I have found this puts into perspective how far my boys have come, and how hard they have worked to get there. This very quickly dispels any doubt on their work ethic, and proves they are not rude, just autistic.
Photo credit: Marina Cano on 500px.com.
Watch your words: Try your best to always start with gratefulness and respect. We all have said or heard this, but these are unprecedented times. Nobody knows what they are doing. Teachers are on edge, district leaders are on edge, and everyone is just trying to figure out end-of-year plans and next year’s schooling options. Much of this has been pretty seamless for the neuro-typical population, but what of our special needs students? How do you reach so many different levels at once? This is hard. So let your words be patient and full of understanding, while still being firm. Proverbs warns us that a gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. I have found it helpful to send an email so I can write, and re-write what I want to say, and maybe even seek the opinion of a friend to make sure what I am trying to say is coming across as clear, concise and respectful.
Avoid blaming teachers: Trust me, you want your child’s teacher to be your ally. Don’t blame your child’s teacher for everything going wrong. Work with them. Build them up. Teach them what works for your child. Solve more problems than you cause. Blame does nothing but create dissonance and awkward encounters in the future. The problems you may face do not need blame; just be a problem-solver rather than an accuser.
If necessary, call a team meeting: Sometimes it’s not enough to have a few phone calls or send a few emails. Sometimes it requires a team approach to do what is best for your child. That is absolutely fine. Remember to pray beforehand, keep your words kind, and listen carefully to everything they are saying. If these team meetings don’t seem to bring progress, don’t be afraid to seek an advocate. Never let your actions during these experiences cast a bad light on Christians. Maintain patience, extend grace, and seek help from those with more knowledge and experience than you.
I know it is easy to be overwhelmed by frustrations, but here’s the thing: nothing going on surprises God, and He knows the plans He has for your child. It is never to harm them. So be wise with your words, slow to speak, and kind. After all, “…kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (Proverbs 16:24).
You are an incredible parent, your child is a miracle, and God has a plan through all of this. Advocate for them, and then trust in the Lord. He has a purpose that goes far beyond our own understanding.
Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace, with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God's plan.
Register today! April 17, 2021. In-person and virtual options available. https://www.keyministry.org/ifl2021
