My son James, who has autism, is currently adjusting to new medicines. We’re trying to find the right med in the right dose to help him manage his OCD and his bipolar tendencies. Because the autistic brain doesn’t always respond in expected ways, figuring out med issues is challenging. What we have experienced over the last two weeks is that the side effects from the meds have been worse than the symptoms we were hoping to decrease.
This of course equals really long days at our house. I’m on high alert all day long, asking myself dozens of questions: Is he hungry? Is he eating too much? Could he have a headache? Is he feeling dizzy? Should we get out of the house for a break? Will that make it worse? And on and on, until I finally drop into bed. But even though each med we’ve tried says “may cause drowsiness,” it sure isn’t for James. So he’s up late, keeping me up late. It’s the perfect opportunity for the enemy to start attacking me, causing me to feel like a failure. That feeling of failure is called shame.
Brené Brown is a shame researcher and has written extensively on the topic. Let me share her definition: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is related to guilt, but different. Guilt says “I have done something bad.” Guilt can be healthy, leading us to repentance. Shame says, “I am bad. I am a failure.” In this season of figuring out meds, I don’t just feel like I’ve made a mistake at some point in the day, I feel like I am the mistake. I am a bad mom. I am a failure.
Your feelings of failure may different from mine. You may have yelled too loud at the kids or snipped at your husband. You may have written a post on Facebook out of anger. You may have gotten nothing done on your to do list. Like me, you may walk into the bedroom at night, right past the overflowing laundry basket that you didn’t get to again and that starts the feeling of failure, of shame.
You aren’t alone. In fact, that feeling of being alone is another weapon of the enemy to keep you feeling that shame. Brené writes, “When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.” I have found that what kills shame is empathy. Again from Brene, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
When those feelings of shame creep into my heart, I remind myself of a story in Scripture when Jesus met Peter’s shame.
It began when Jesus turned His thoughts to the cross, He and Peter had a conversation in John 13:36-38:
Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus answered him, “Where I am going you cannot follow me now, but you will follow afterward.” Peter said to him, “Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times.”
It doesn’t take long for us to see Jesus’s prediction come true. We read about it in Luke 22:54-62:
Then they seized [Jesus] and led him away, bringing him into the high priest’s house, and Peter was following at a distance. And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” But Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly.
Peter had acted exactly as Jesus said he would. And Peter felt that shame, he felt like a failure. Not just “I made a mistake,” but “I am a mistake.”
But the solution to Peter’s shame is the same solution to your shame and mine—Jesus is the solution. Peter experienced that after Christ’s resurrection:
When Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James and Salome went to Jesus’s tomb, they saw a young man in a white robe. “And he said to them, ‘Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter that he is going before you to Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you’” (Mark 16:6-7).
Did you catch the small detail in this verse? “… and Peter…” Jesus knew Peter’s shame would keep him hidden. But it didn’t have to! Later when Jesus and Peter walked together near the Sea of Tiberias, Peter’s shame was healed as Jesus gently reminded him of the truth of His love and gave him a mission. “Do you love me?” Jesus asked, giving Peter the opportunity to say he did. Three times he asked, and the final time Peter responded, “Lord, you know everything; you know I love you” (John 21:17). Our Savior knows everything. Every secret we try to hide. Every mistake that becomes our identity. He knows, He sees, and He loves us anyway. There is no place for shame with Him.
The light He brings into our darkness reminds us we are who He says we are, not what shame says we are. Peter himself later wrote in 1 Peter 2:9, “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” Walking with Christ pushed away the shame Peter felt and gave him a new identity. Then he was ready to move on to fulfill his purpose—build Christ’s church by caring for Christ’s people. When we turn the pages in our Bible from the end of the Gospel of John to the Book of Acts, we see Peter fulfill the first stages of that mission by preaching at Pentecost.
Shame didn’t have the final say in Peter’s life and it doesn’t in our lives either. You are more than the mistakes you’ve made or the weaknesses you feel. His love meets you where you are and gently reminds you of your identity in Him.
And as He heals you from shame, Jesus also reminds you of your purpose—to love and care for your family. You can walk in that purpose today as you abide in Him. Next time you feel like a failure, remember Christ’s love for you. Remember that He knows you even better than you know yourself, and His love is still true. Allow His light to shine on the shame you feel. Talk about it with your spouse or a close friend who will also speak truth over you. And then like Peter, get back on mission—loving and caring for your family.
Sandra Peoples (M Div) is a special-needs mom and sibling. She and her family live outside of Houston, TX where she serves her church as the Inclusion Coordinator for Special Needs Families. She also serves the Southern Baptist of Texas Convention as their Special Needs Ministry Consultant. She’s the author of Unexpected Blessings: The Joys and Possibilities of Life in a Special-Needs Family and the host of the podcast, Self Care and Soul Care for the Caregiver. You can connect with her at sandrapeoples.com.
