A few weeks ago, I watched my oldest nephew marry his best friend. It was a beautiful ceremony that felt surreal at times. It was hard to believe the little toddler that carried the rings in my wedding was now the groom at his own wedding.
Family and friends smiled and dabbed at happy tears during the ceremony. It was truly a joyous event. At the same time, there was a twinge of sadness because my niece, the groom’s sister, was ill in the hospital. I watched my brother and sister-in-law navigate the day with the conflicting emotions.
It made me reflect back to times in my life where opposite feelings intersected. My son’s birth was filled with happiness, but the previous 48 hours were complete stress. My daughter unexpectantly had a post-surgical hemorrhage at home. The fear, stress, and time spent in the hospital with her just prior to birthing my son in the hospital was a dichotomy. I had to “forget” the scary events with my daughter to be present and enjoy those first few moments with my son. The simplicity of enjoying a normal event sometimes takes effort.
Early on in this parenting journey, my husband’s birthday fell during the time when my daughter was in the NICU. Her Down syndrome, AV canal heart defect, and congestive heart failure were all a surprise at birth. We were still feeling strong emotions four days after her birth when my husband turned another year older. It would have been easy for us to say there was nothing to celebrate and let the day pass along, wallowing in the sudden turn of events. Instead, we had cake with our family in the hospital cafeteria and spent a few minutes in normalcy.
Normalcy, even in small increments of time, is key if you have a child with medical needs. Taking a break from the pain and stress is important. When holidays or special events have occurred in less-than-ideal circumstances, we have tried to do something to acknowledge them, even when it felt strange.
Photo credit: Zachary Kadolph on Unsplash.com.
These pockets of happiness are necessary to keep a balance. However, being joyful hasn’t always felt right. I had guilt at times for taking a break from the pain to allow a moment of joy. How could I laugh when my daughter was hurting? How could I smile when nothing was going right for my child?
Other times in my life, pain felt wrong. When my son made an accomplishment at school or with his music, I would feel happy for him. My mind would remind me that my daughter would not be able to do this achievement. The sadness would try to intersect with the joy.
My life has been a learning experience on how to coexist with opposite feelings. I previously thought that one could only be happy or sad. Now, I understand you can feel complete opposite feelings in the same moment. Having a child with special and medical needs isn’t always easy. There’s much to navigate, especially with emotions.
I’m thankful that God is there to help me live through the complexities of it all. Life is constantly moving forward and giving new reasons to hope. True joy is found in God, so feelings do not have to be bound by situations. The Bible reminds me that weeping may occur, but joy is coming afterwards. I pray that all of my fellow moms of children with special or medical needs find balance, look to God for encouragement in the pain, and cling to hope, no matter the feelings in circumstances.
Evana is a wife and mother of two children. She enjoys serving in her church’s special-needs ministry. Evana is also a pediatric speech-language pathologist and serves children with autism, feeding disorders, and other developmental delays. You can connect with Evana on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, A Special Purposed Life. You can also read more about her family’s story in her book, Badges of Motherhood: One Mother’s Story about Family, Down syndrome, Hospitals, and Faith.
