Therapy used to be a word and situation which struck fear in people. Recently, it seems that many people are "in therapy," which is a good and healthy thing.
Whether your marriage is in a tough place, you're wondering if you’re doing the right things to help your children, or you have a special needs family and are struggling—consider therapy to get life in order.
If you are not sure how that looks, please continue reading.
Some people think therapy is simply talking about your problems to a therapist, which is true, but there is so much more to it!
In a summary, Joe and I would like to share some thoughts that might have you thinking, “I could use a little help by going to therapy.”
Photo by Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 on Unsplash
What therapy ACTUALLY is:
Talk about your problems to a therapist.
Consider if your issues (marital, personal, family, emotional, etc.) are:
HARD ISSUES
SOFT ISSUES
Joe and I frequently get questions from folks with deeper, "hard marriage/life issues" than we can handle. We are not certified counselors and want to ensure you get the help you need from those trained to help. Those who have “soft marriage issues” will possibly benefit from mentoring.
Please read below to find the help you need:
Hard Marriage Issues need Counseling Therapy (often one is interested in help but not the other).
Examples of Hard Marriage Issues are:
Abuse—emotional, physical, verbal
Addictions—Sexual, drugs, alcohol, etc.
Pornography
Unfaithfulness
Lack of intimacy—sexually
And there are more—fill in your blank_______
Book recommendations for these and other issues.
If you are experiencing "hard marriage issues," find a counselor to help you.
Find a counselor who is a certified counselor for your area of need (Some counselors specialize. Are they drug counselors, marriage counselors, or family counselors?). Ask others where they have had success. Be sure the counselor can handle the topic—interview them. Tell them your primary issues and seek someone who can address them. Being specific helps them to know where to send you. Otherwise, you risk not being able to get to the root of the problem for a long time. Do not waste time and money. Search to find a good fit.
(We have suggestions on how to find a counselor on our website at the link shared above.)
ANY COUNSELOR WHO TELLS YOU AFTER THREE VISITS THAT YOU SHOULD DIVORCE IS NOT WORTH GOING TO. FIND SOMEONE WHO WANTS YOUR MARRIAGE TO WORK AND WILL DO THE WORK WITH YOU TO MAKE IT FOR THE LONG HAUL!
The same goes for any issue you are dealing with. Quitting after three visits is not long enough to know.
Remember: The longer you wait, the more isolated you’ll become. Don’t wait. Divorce is NOT the only option.
Soft Marriage/Life Issues often need Mentoring
Mentoring can only happen when both spouses want to move forward, who are both making progress in a forward direction, and whose issues are more in line with what we call “soft marriage issues,”
Examples of Soft Marriage Issues are:
learning to communicate better
feeling like you are not on the same page but want to be
needing to learn how to talk nicely or being a better listener
2. Psychological Education: Mental, Emotional, Social, and Spiritual Health
Healthy Relationship building
A healthy marriage (according to counselor/author Leslie Vernick) is mutually honest, mutually respectful, and mutually caring. You need all three for your marriage to be healthy. If just one is missing, you have an unhealthy marriage.
Assessing problems you’re having
Setting goals for a healthy marriage
3. Tasks and Actions to Take Between Sessions
(It’s not just finding a reason for your problems, like “anger” but learning how to handle it and what to do with it. Identifying it is part one; doing something about it is part two.)
Being mindful—acknowledging
Being intentional—to work at it
Journaling about how it’s going (what works/what doesn’t)
Get out of your comfort zone to work on things
Learning compassion
Recognizing and acknowledging your feelings and owning them
Developing a helpful daily routine to work on things
Practicing things you’re learning
4. Building Awareness of Your Thoughts—“What are my needs? Safety? Purpose?”
Is the situation abusive? (Threatening? Harmful? Controlling?)
Are adjustments needed to be made? (Less stress, for example)
Anxiety levels (What is causing it? What can make it better?)
Depression (Identifying it specifically.)
5. Making Changes to Your Thoughts and Behaviors
Am I selfish?
Am I prideful and don’t want to change?
Am I stubborn and don’t want to change?
Am I easily offended?
Am I able to make good decisions? Is my decision-making good?
Am I impulsive?
6. Learning and practicing coping strategies
Like stress (from trauma; PTSD)
Do I have supportive relationships (not just telling you what you WANT to hear.)
Do I need to lower my expectation? Do I need to up what my responsibilities are?
Learning to ask others for help.
Do I know how to problem-solve well?
Where does my faith-based life fit in?
Taking breaks to unwind? (ex: away from the news)
Taking care of myself (diet, health) not being selfish!
Drugs and alcohol are not healthy coping strategies. Medicine for mental illness or health management may be needed.
While this is a start, it is not comprehensive, and starting therapy will be the first step to getting the help you want and need.
Don’t wait—start now and find a meaningful direction for your life that is helpful and healthy!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at: www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
