I love the local church. I grew up going to church. The church has been vital to my life and spiritual growth. I was even a pastor for nearly 30 years. I believe in the local church. While no church is perfect, still, the local church is a force for good and a source for hope in cities and communities across the world. The church is so good at seeing people and their needs and then loving them well by sharing the gospel both in word and action.
But (you saw that coming right?) there is a group that many churches simply do not see and are therefore missing a great opportunity for ministry. That group is special needs dads. Guys, like me, who are caring for individuals with disabilities/special needs. This is an incredible group of men!
Image from @little_klein on Unsplash
Four things you need to know about special needs dads
Special needs dads really love their children with disabilities. We’re not ashamed of them and would love to tell you about them. So don’t be afraid to ask about our kids!
Special needs dads have BIG emotions. Though we often hide it well and are not quick to admit it, we struggle. We feel as if we’ve been invited to play a game that we have no idea what the rules are or how you actually win. Several years ago, a study presented at the International Meeting for Autism Research found that more than 30 percent of fathers of grown children with autism experience symptoms of depression so severe that they warrant clinical attention.
Special needs dads are often struggling in their marriage. While there is no data supporting the often-mentioned divorce rate of 80% or higher among couples raising kids with disabilities, still, our marriages are not easy. Couples are not prepared for this new journey, and it often creates major shifts and disruptions to their marriage. Many of us need help learning to navigate this new challenge while keeping our marriage healthy.
Special needs dads need community. We typically do not seek this out, and we may initially balk at the invitation, but we really do crave it. We need to know that there are other dads out there like us who get it. Dads who can relate to this journey. Dads who are a little farther down the road and can offer some good tips and suggestions for us.
Four things the Church can do to see these dads
Get to know them. If you’re a pastor or men’s ministry leader or Sunday School teacher, invite us out for coffee or lunch. Find out our story. Ask about our kids – remember, we really love them and love to talk about them! You don’t have to be able to relate to our life to minister to us. As my friend Corey said, “You don’t have to know what it’s like to walk a mile in my shoes, just show me that you care about the miles I’m walking.”
Provide Mental Health support. Dads need to know that it’s ok to not be ok and that its ok to ask for help. If your church doesn’t have trained counselors on staff, make sure you know of Christian counselors available in your community. Do some research and vetting so you can feel confident in making referrals to these counselors. If you want to go the extra mile, create a fund to help offset the cost associated with counseling. One local counselor partnered with our church and reduced their fee by 1/3 and asked the church to cover 1/3 and the client the other 1/3. And since men are typically a little more reluctant to seek out help, perhaps you start with hosting a meal or game night for dads and invite a counselor to come talk about how counseling can help.
Offer marriage support. Often churches focus much of their marriage ministry on intervention rather than prevention. Let’s flip that and be proactive in helping couples develop healthy habits that lead to healthy marriages instead of waiting for them to come to us when it’s falling apart! Offer midweek marriage classes, or weekend seminars and retreats throughout the year. Start a small group for couples. We have some great small group resources for couples at risingaboveministries.org/marriage-resources. Additionally, Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini have a wonderful book called “Love All-ways: Embracing marriage together on the special needs journey”. You can find it at cindiferrini.com or most places you buy books online. Another great tool is “How to build a thriving marriage as you care for children with disabilities” by Todd and Kristin Evans. Find out more about this new resource at disabilityparenting.com/book/
Help them connect with other dads. The old church motto of “Food, Fun, and Fellowship” may sound corny, but it works! Most dads will not come to a support group for dads, so don’t call it that! But we are looking for a safe place to voice, vent and vomit all those BIG emotions we have. And because dads are fixers by nature, we’re looking for tools, tips and training – not so much hugs and hand holding. The church can provide a monthly meal for dads and invite guest speakers in to address specific topics pertinent to special needs parenting. Occasionally offer an outing to play Top Golf or bowling or ax throwing! You just need to create a safe place for them to connect with other special needs dads. It also creates an opportunity for the church to get to know these dads and let them know you see them, and you care.
Steve Chatman is Vice President at Rising Above Ministries. He is a former pastor and has worked with families for over 30 years. He and his wife Lori, have five children and four grandchildren. Two of their adult daughters have Downs Syndrome. Steve Chatman will be speaking at our Disability & the Church 2024 Conference in Orlando, FL May 1-3. Register here to see him at the conference!
