Hello, my name is Pastor Jo, and I have a mental illness. Actually, I have three: PTSD, anxiety, and depression. These illnesses are a part of my trauma, my struggle, and my testimony.
My depression has been so bad lately. I am supposed to be a shepherd, to equip and build up those God has placed in our church. The problem is I do not want to leave my bed. I don’t sleep, I just cannot deal with the world.
It is kind of hard to build up people when you cannot function. Quite literally, at my lowest lows I do not possess the strength to help. The amount of mental strain it costs me to function “normally” and put on a brave face is extreme. So I am done putting on a brave face. I am hurting. I am tired. I just want to feel anything but pain.
In these times, I find myself relying on truth. Truth helps me avoid self-harm and drives me to cling to God with a deep devotion, with tear-soaked prayers, and heartbroken worship. Yes, I have multiple coping mechanisms. There are times it doesn’t seem to help, and I am left hanging onto what I know in spite of how I feel.
To the point: Today was terrible. I told a trusted friend how deeply I am struggling. I spoke my struggle and it became more real to me. Though we talked on the subject ever so briefly and I left it with a smile on my face, the encounter broke me inside. I came home and laid in my bed. I tried to listen to podcasts about God, pray, and worship. My soul was broken. I could mentally feel the wounds an abused, traumatized, unsaved, version of me would have inflicted long ago to find a brief moment of calm. I knew it was time to seek help, so I did something. Something small, and yet huge. I reached out to a crisis text line. I shared my heart. I asked for help.
Isolation has affected all of us. Racial tensions, struggles, and division in our country has affected every person around the globe, or at least everyone in America. We are all a little broken right now. God is still present, still good, even through the heartbreak. Sin brought our world struggle. I am not saying I sinned to deserve this, or if you are struggling that you did. I am not calling this a punishment. In the big picture: falling short brought us here.
Photo credit: James Coleman on Unsplash.com.
If you are there, seek help. Having a mental illness does not nullify your faith. These seasons happen. God warned us they would and could.
Here’s where I am now: I feel better. I am less panicked. The world isn’t ending. In this calmer state, I have returned to the point that I can rely on what I know instead of what I feel. I got there by asking for help.
If you can get to that state, it helps so much. That is the state where we can call the words whispered to us what they are: blatant, bald-faced, evil lies from Satan himself. Your life matters! YOU are needed in this world. So am I!
I am a firm believer in The Word as an answer to all of Satan’s lies. Seek answers from the Bible. For example, 2 Corinthians 4:6-9 says:
“For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed but not driven to despair. We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”
When we are surrounded by darkness, it gives God the chance to shine a light. This light from God shows us these things:
· The enemy is a liar!
· You are here because He wanted you here.
· You are not alone in your struggles.
Your brothers and sisters in Christ—and yes, even your pastors—relate. As fragile as we are in human flesh, we have great power in God. This tells me that you and I both have the power to face whatever physical illness, mental illness, or disability we may face. Our fragility makes it clear that “our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”
Keep being. Seek help. The Holy Spirit spoke through the person I talked with in the text crisis line today. We all need help sometimes. Seek God, and don’t give up. As comforting as numbness can be in the present, it leaves deep wounds on the soul. So remember:
We are pressed on every side by troubles—but through Christ we are not crushed.
We are perplexed—but though we may visit, we do not live in despair.
We are hunted down—there is still an enemy out there, one who seeks to devour us. One way he can do this by devaluing us. In Christ Jesus, we are wanted, not abandoned.
We get knocked down—but we are not destroyed.
God’s words are true, friends. Speak them over yourself or your loved one with a mental illness. We are:
· Chosen
· Loved
· Priceless
· Wanted
· Adored
· Not alone
· Made with a purpose
· Forgiven
· Heard
· Treasured by God
Speak God’s Word over your life. God’s Word is powerful. Please, seek help when you’re struggling. Talk to a therapist, a crisis counselor, family, or a friend. Talk to someone. Find an outlet. Just do what it takes to get healthy, and please, keep God in the center of it.
Tonight, I am praying for all of us who are in the depths of darkness: may God’s light shine through us. May we be able to see the light, too.
Amen.
Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God's plan.
