My husband has advanced dementia. We have had a lot of support from family, friends and our church. People are kind and caring. They want to offer help. I couldn’t manage without them. Everyone I meet is concerned and sympathetic.
Many people I meet also want to understand. In order to understand what someone else is going through we usually use our own experience to inform us. Many people have had some experience of an aging person whose memory is declining. They imagine that this is what is happening to my younger husband.
They say things like: “People with dementia can’t remember what has just happened but they can remember a lot about the past.” This is not true for my husband.
“People with dementia can be happy because they don’t realize they have it.” This is not true for my husband.
They are trying to make sense of the situation but are making assumptions.
It is the same for those with disabilities. When the film “Rainman” came out in the 1980s, many people assumed that those with autism were all like Dustin Hoffman’s character. I have also heard that those with Down’s syndrome are always happy, and that those with a learning disability stay as perpetual children so they are protected from the stresses of life.
In fact, everyone is different and have different experiences of similar situations. We cannot just assume that because people have the same label that their experiences are identical. We need to take time to listen to a person’s individual experiences, thoughts and feelings.
Photo credit: Pixabay on Pexels.com.
A quote that is often used to emphasize this point about those on the autism spectrum also can be used for any disability or life situation: “If you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism.”
We all make assumptions about someone from our experience with similar people. We do it with race, color, gender, age, sexuality and financial stratus.
The Bible warns us though not to look at externals. “Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart” 1 Samuel 16:7.
We too should look at the underlying person, and improve our understanding of a situation by listening and watching carefully, rather than jumping to conclusions. We need to pray that we look through God’s eyes and see what He sees. We need to take time to understand and to empathize.
Most people who make assumptions and therefore mistakes are doing so from a kind heart. They don’t realize that their understanding is flawed. We have all made those sorts of mistakes, assuming things which are not true. We need to be willing to look at our assumptions and make changes, though. We must be willing to learn.
Assumptions are never good, but sometimes they can lead to dangerous, hurtful or sinful behavior. Assumptions can lead us to treating people badly. The book of James says
“if you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say “Here’s a good seat for you” but say to the poor man “You stand there” or “Sit at the floor at my feet” have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?” James 2: 3-4
We may say that of course we would never do this. But we may be doing similar things. We may see someone with obvious abilities and think that they would be ideal to recruit in our ministry team. We may not be looking at the heart, but on outward appearances. We may not be looking through God’s eyes, but through the world’s eyes. They may have academic qualifications, but do they have a servant heart?
Conversely, we may discount someone with a learning disability, assuming that they have little to offer. Maybe we haven’t looked with God’s eyes. Maybe their heart is exactly what God is looking for. I know some very wonderful people with a learning disability who make amazing welcomers. They really are pleased to greet people. They really exude God’s love and pleasure at seeing people. I know a wonderful man with Down syndrome who can calm a crying baby better than anyone else. He only has to smile, and babies seem to settle. I know a man with autism spectrum disorder who has no technology qualifications, but his use of a computer is excellent. He designed a fabulous program for our carol service, which was way better than I could do, or had the time or inclination to do.
By excluding certain groups of people, we are in fact making them “stand over there or sit at my feet” (James 2:3-4). We are neglecting to use their gifts and strengths. We are making assumptions that they have little to offer. In fact, we are making ourselves judges, instead of listening to God and seeing them through God’s eyes.
One final point: Some of the people who show an amazing understanding of my husband and the situation we are in are those who come to our Church Care Centre and Food Bank. They are people who are homeless, have poor mental health, have suffered domestic abuse, have a disability that prevents them from getting employment or have experienced family illness and bereavement. They are those that society have often looked down upon, yet have blessed us by their understanding and prayers for us.
Sue Sutton has nearly 50 years of experience working with people with learning disabilities. She has developed training programs for people working with a variety of learning disabilities and mental health issues. Sue is the author of “Living Fulfilled Lives: Empowering People With Learning Disabilities.” Connect with her on Facebook.
