Guest bloggers Gail Averette and Sheila Sullivan share helpful tips and approaches for parents of teens and adult children with disabilities to help prevent sexual abuse. Join us on October 27 as Gail and Sheila will share tips and strategies for ministry leaders to prevent sexual abuse.
When we look at statistics on abuse against differently abled individuals, anger and fear enters our hearts, the kind of anger and fear that creeps in letting us understand that we can’t protect the ones we love who couldn’t protect themselves. The truth is, we can’t be everywhere and we can’t protect them all the time, but we can give them tools and skills to help keep them safer, and the courage needed to tell someone if something does happen. In order to do that, we have to start at the beginning.
Regardless of level or type of disability, children are born sexual beings. When we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that children with disabilities are usually openly loving and fearless, which increases their risk of being misunderstood and abused by predators. However, we neglect to teach them the same lessons that other children are taught because we don’t believe that they share the same feelings and desires. In order to see this situation clearly, we must confront the truth about how we see or children, the truth about our children, and then consider tools that will help us find our own solution.
When our children are born with any type disabilities we set our goals on making their lives as normal as possible. We provide them with the resources and skills that will help them to thrive in their world and help them overcome many obstacles that set them apart. However, often times we also neglect to teach them a few things, things that make us uncomfortable, like their sexuality. It seems that we often immediately place them in the category of asexual, but it just isn’t true.
First, we give our children language. Whether it’s verbal or nonverbal, we teach them how to communicate with the world. We give them words to describe their environment, their feelings, but only part of their bodies. Proper nouns to describe their body parts can be very important, especially if they need to disclose something that may be wrong. Children have no concept of good names and bad names until we give it to them. There are no bad names for our body parts, but we don’t have to give them more than they are ready for. Our boys and girls have different body parts. They have public and private parts that have specific names and should be discussed when parents/caregivers notice the child's curiosity; this can happen at any age. We should be able to see changes in their level of curiosity when puberty happens. Proverbs 22:6 says we must train up a child...training that Includes what is appropriate for body image and body intents. When and if they get curious, answer their questions and provide the names and information that they are requesting. If you need help providing the answers that they seek, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your family pediatrician.
Secondly, we teach and give them boundaries. Our children live in a world of NO. We tell them NO about touching things and people, but remove their ability to tell others NO by suggesting that they hug, kiss, or physically greet people that they may not want to. By removing that ability, you open them up to not saying NO when it counts. But we have to also let them know that others may not want to be touched by them and to accept their NO as well.
Ways to say NO:
· Please I do not want to be touched right now.
· No, I do not wish to be hugged.
· No, I do not want a kiss.
· No, I do not want to kiss you.
· Please step back, I do not want to be that close.
Photo credit: Jake Shabet and Sydney Simpson, Houston Chronicle.
Along with verbal boundaries, give them physical boundaries. Let’s begin with the swimsuit rule. Everything that is covered by your swimsuit is off limits for people to touch without your permission, unless it’s for medical exams or for necessary hygiene assistance. If engaging in self touch, which may occur at any age, it needs to occur in private spaces and not be self-harmful. Remember to discuss that the swimsuit rules also apply to them. They should not touch anyone in those areas without permission. We forget that touch and self-exploration is a part of growing up that everyone experiences. It is important to have these discussions from a very young age through adulthood. These conversations may look different at different ages and should take place without judgement or condemnation.
Last but not least, what do we do when our child is thinking about sex, or acting in a sexual manner? We have a discussion about the behavior, not about the child. Children usually begin touching their body parts as soon as they discover their body parts. Some (usually boys) begin in the womb. Some children use self-touch as a method of self-soothing. The key is to give them boundaries about where and when they may engage in these activities, making sure they understand that this is not an activity that they are sharing with others. As they reach puberty this will begin to change for some. They will have the same curiosity and feelings as any other pubescent being. They will form attachments with others and may become curious about sex. This is a good time to make some new boundaries and have some more mature conversations about their feelings and actions. Listening instead of leading the conversation will help them to be open and feel heard, this will help them to be honest about their feelings and feel better about asking questions. Make sure you don’t give them more information or detail than they ask for; all things are relative to the asker, not the answerer. Make sure there is a support system that they can turn to if something happens: a person or group of people that make them feel safe and that they will trust to talk to about uncomfortable things.
So remember:
· Give them a vocabulary
· Give them ownership of their bodies by giving them NO
· Teach them boundaries
· Be open and honest in conversations so that they feel safe talk
· Make sure that they have people they can tell if something happens
Click for an interactive unsafe touch activity. Additional resources: National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE; National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-Child; stopitnow.org; autismspeaks.org; cuyahogabdd.org.
Gail Averette is the St. Timothy Missionary Baptist Church in Cleveland, Ohio, Inclusion Ministry Coordinator. The goal of the ministry is to share the love of God with Special Needs Individuals, their Families and Caregivers in the urban church setting. Gail is also the parent of twin daughters who are intellectually disabled. Contact Gail gail.averette3@gmail.com.
Sheila Sullivan is a National Comprehensive Victim's Advocate who works in the healthcare field as a Prevention Specialist and Sexual/Reproductive Health Educator. She is a member of the wellness team at Antioch Baptist Church ( www.antiochcleveland.org), a mother, grandmother, author, and founder of Passin Knowledge LLC, Changing Legacies, One Woman, One Thought at a time, passinknowledgellc.com.
