This post is shared as part of our series on sexual abuse trauma, but also addresses the importance of confronting and correcting abusive behavior of any kind. Repentance and transformation to the mind and actions of Christ must always be the goals.
One night, during early spring in eleventh grade, I spontaneously decided to go over to my friend Sarah’s* house, after telling my boyfriend Dan* I wasn’t going anywhere that evening. After an hour or so, Sarah took me back home. We barely made it to the intersection at the end of her street when Dan’s car flew past, driving wildly towards her house. I could tell by the way Dan was driving that he was enraged.
My stomach was in knots all the way home. Barely fifteen minutes after I returned, Dan was at the door. We argued on my parents’ carport: actually, Dan yelled at me about ‘lying to him,’ inches from my face, while I pleaded with him to stop being so upset. At one point when he was waving his arms, I flinched. He mocked me, demanding to know if I was afraid that he would hit me.
What was my crime? I had the audacity to change my mind about my evening plans without seeking Dan’s permission or letting him know.
I wish I could say that our relationship was over that night, but it was not, not for about six months. In hindsight, it is clear that this, my first romance, was on its way to being a full-blown textbook case of abuse.
I don’t know if Dan experienced specific abuse prior to meeting me, though there definitely were some challenges in his early life and throughout his high school years. I was consumed with the social validation that came from having a significant other, even though that meant—in addition to behavior like that noted above—being subjected to regular, unrelenting pressure from Dan to progress further than I wanted sexually. I’m pretty sure crying under this kind of pressure is considered coercion.
I’m no angel; I acted spitefully at times, reacting with mean-spirited words and actions to get vengeance against him. I spiritually wrestled with the sexual activity, justifying that it must be okay if it’s in the context of ‘love.’ The truth is, that relationship was nothing close to love. Fear, humiliation, unwanted pressure, jealousy, openly dating other girls when we were ‘going steady’—while telling me that no one else would ever want me—it was all pretty much the polar opposite of love.
Photo credit: Eric James Ward on Unsplash.com.
Right now, I want you to erase the mental image you have created. Dan was made in the image of God.
For whatever reason, when I finally stood up to the abusive behavior and left him behind, I believe that step may have been a bit of a redemptive wake up call for him—and for me, too.
Abuse of any kind doesn’t end without a balance of truth and grace. Grace is extended to forgive sin, but the truth must also be in place as a proper barrier to prevent and protect against abuse.
The truth was, I was vulnerable. I was woefully emotionally unprepared for the rush of feelings and conflicting desires to do what is godly versus do what would please my boyfriend. I’m not sure many people—maybe not any—are really prepared for the intensity of romantic relationships. Applying God’s wisdom really is the best protection against emotional, physical and spiritual harm.
Whether you’re a parent, pastor or ministry volunteer, here are a few things that can help equip the students in your care to not be emotionally vulnerable to sexual manipulation or abuse:
a. Show them what’s right. It’s not enough to just tell students in the youth group that certain behaviors aren’t okay; they need to know what is right, and why—both from a biblical perspective, and how that plays out practically. God’s ways both protect from and prevent abuse.
When I was a teen, our youth pastor conveyed the importance of proper boundaries, but with no teaching or discussion on the ‘why.’ I’ve known too many people who’ve grown up in church, who thought of waiting for sexual relationships until marriage as a holy guarantee of marital bliss, when it’s just one of several healthy boundaries God established for the most important relationship in your life.
Instead, why not help them see the application of scripture about ‘the two becoming one flesh,’ by describing the dopamine rush and endorphins that support the bonding that comes from even the most innocent romantic behavior. Bring in someone who is familiar with that kind of science, but can explain it in a way teens will understand. And don’t be afraid to do a deeper dive on the theological significance of the human body, and Hebrew words like nephesh. Some of the teens in your ministry will gravitate to the layers of deeper meaning throughout Scripture, and this kind of teaching will feed them spiritual meat.
Staying sexually pure until marriage isn’t a guarantee of happily ever after, but it’s a big head start. If you can control your sexuality, holding it in high regard, other challenges will be easier to navigate. Explain that a lack of control over sexuality easily extends to other parts of life, and that proper discipline in any one area of life makes it easier to have proper discipline in other areas.
b. Talk about the importance of being honest - with yourself, with your parents or trusted adults, and especially with God. I’ve observed too many women who seemed to be convinced that if they didn’t use birth control, that would prevent them from being sexually active. They couldn’t face the fact that they were going to go against what they had grown up believing. And if they purchased or pursued birth control measures, that would in effect prove that they had already made the decision to be sexually active. So instead, many of them became pregnant. Too many of them have had abortions, and most of the rest have ended up living without a vibrant relationship with Christ, or healed from related trauma. Healing from trauma requires being willing to face even the most painful truths.
c. Keep appropriate boundaries with the kids in your ministry. By all means, male youth leaders should talk with the boys, and female youth leaders should talk with the girls, and not vice versa. Maintain appropriate safeguards to avoid even the appearance of anything inappropriate. And if you learn of abusive behavior being done by a student in your ministry or to a student in your ministry, get all the facts. Lives are ruined because of half-truths or incomplete truths. And use approaches that are the gold standard recommended and used by experts like GRACE - Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment.
d. Parents, you’re going to have to be honest with your kids. Don’t glorify your sin, but don’t hide it from them, either. Put the emphasis on how God has redeemed You and transformed You, and how important that is for everyone in their relationship with Christ. The goal isn’t just avoiding social embarrassment if your teen becomes pregnant, or if your son impregnates his girlfriend. The goal should always be about helping your son or daughter develop a vibrant relationship with Christ, obeying His commands out of love for the Savior.
Epilogue: I haven’t had contact with Dan in over 30 years. I broke off the relationship shortly before he moved several states away with his family later that same year. Over the next couple of years, he contacted me a few times. I kept him at arm’s length, cordial, but not allowing any closer communication or relationship. My boundary was not unkind, but it was firm.
Most people have some social media exposure, and it appears that he’s been married longer than me, and has a beautiful family. I wish him nothing but peace and a life in close relationship with Christ. What better ending could there be to any of our stories?
*Names changed to protect Dan and Sarah.
Catherine Boyle is the Director of Mental Health Ministry for Key Ministry. You can follow her work here or on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and www.catherineboyle.com.
