This post is part 2 of our interview with “Emma,” a woman who endured years of sexual abuse by someone she knew. Read part 1 here. We share her experience in these posts to increase awareness of opportunities for abuse and provide prevention and recovery resources to parents and ministry leaders alike.
Question 8: What has been the impact on your relationships since the abuse ended? Do you feel like the trauma has been completely healed? If not, do you think this is possible?
After the abuse ended, I struggled with close relationships, I think because for so long I was so enmeshed with the abuser—I didn’t know who I was. On the outside I acted tough, but inside I struggled with fear and anxiety; my mind never knew quietness. People I was close with could open up to me and share; however, for me to share anything of depth was not something I could do. I had a tendency of making certain friends an idol; it was easy for me to be in someone else’s world rather than my own. One of my close friends had a way of making me feel like I mattered; she knew at times there was something I wanted to say but didn’t. She was a person who was nurturing; I so longed for that touch she would give or a simple accolade and encouragement. There were times I would question myself if I were gay? It had nothing to do with a sexual relationship, I truly just longed for that nurturing touch.
Has the trauma been completely healed? I can compare it to a bad injury, like a deep gash on our body. The gash is healing from the inside out. We address it by cleaning it, dressing it and protecting it (like God has created our bodies to heal from the inside out). When the cut is healed, we may have a scar but we’re not thinking about it much any longer, and we don’t have to address it. I often tell the women in my sexual trauma healing group when they ask me that question: when we embrace truth and give a voice to the unspoken secrets, we are giving it (the secret) less power over us. When we work through those triggers, and fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle, to make sense out of the chaos the abuse caused, we are taking back our life. I remember for so long if I heard a certain song playing, it would trigger me to a time and place that was scary, until one day I heard that song, and for the first time I said to myself, ‘I am not in bondage to it any longer,’ and I did not have to address it (the pain and trauma).
Question 9: How has your relationship with Christ helped you recover from the abuse? Have specific scriptures been especially meaningful?
I always say my relationship with Christ and my healing journey go hand-in-hand. Before I had the words to voice the abuse, Christ was making a way for me. When I just wanted to keep it locked up inside, Christ knew what I needed. When I just wanted to party and drink and run away from the pain, Christ was speaking to me. I had conviction (in my spirit). Christ even made a way for me to have two beautiful children when I thought I couldn’t; He gave me courage and grace in each day. One Sunday while at worship, the pastor was giving the sermon; it was on Exodus. It hit me as I said to myself, “That’s my story.” I knew I needed to share how God led me out of bondage. I felt the Holy Spirit’s guiding me on a journey, by putting pen to paper, starting from the time I could first remember the abuse, to where I was then, as He led me through the scriptures and spoke truth and life into me.
It hasn’t happened overnight, but I know the healing that the Lord has done in me is permanent. There is no turning back; I feel that the Lord has redeemed me bits at a time—like tearing down an old wall and rebuilding it, so it is the work of His hands and not the work of a fallen world. There was a time I thought I could never have children—but God has blessed me with two beautiful children. There was a time I was so shaky and scared being home alone—but God has filled me with His peace. There was a time my mind didn’t know quietness—but He has given it rest. My anxieties have calmed down because I can trust that the Lord knows my heart. I lean on His words: Be anxious for nothing but by everything have prayer and supplication and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard my heart through Christ Jesus.
Question 10: You have done significant counseling to recover from the trauma of the abuse. What are some helpful practices or insights you’ve learned that you’d like to share with others who may be recovering from similar abuse?
Find a counselor that you feel safe with; that is huge. I was told by my very first counselor, ‘there is nothing you can tell me that will startle me’; I needed to hear that. He also told me at the end of my first session that he would be praying for me to have courage. Remember, they are there for you, as you are taking back parts of yourself that were trapped. It is important that they give you the tools that are needed to be grounded, and help you to understand your physical appearance, where you may be holding unresolved trauma. Put into practice for yourself correct breathing; this was a big thing for me. For so long, when I inhaled a breath, it would stop at my chest. I had to learn how to breathe so the air went down fully into my lungs; it sure did feel unnatural. Take the time for exercise, and be gentle with yourself. Journaling was so helpful; sometimes writing down what you are feeling, or thoughts that may be coming into your mind or if you are feeling triggered, put it on paper. Then later, when you feel grounded, take a look at it, maybe share it with a trusted friend.
I have always had hope and faith in Christ. There were times I didn’t know what to pray for, but I knew the Lord knows my heart. Romans 8:26: Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
Photo credit: RefinedbyLove.com.
Question 11: If someone is reading this post and recognizes that he or she is in a similar situation, what steps would you recommend he or she take first?
Tell a safe person or a counselor; join a support group; do those things which are going to allow you to take back your life. Work through unresolved trauma instead of running from it or pretending it was not that bad.
Question 12: If a pastor or ministry leader is reading this post, what are some warning signs they should be aware of as potential red flags of sexual and/or physical abuse?
It is easier to see physical abuse than it is verbal or sexual abuse. Most importantly, if a woman or a man comes to you and reveals that they are being abused, believe them. Allow them to talk without trying to interrupt or question their experience; they need to be heard. If a younger child or teenager shows a different behavior than usual, or seems to be drawn inward to himself or herself, start a friendly conversation.
Question 13: God loves to make beauty from ashes, the hardest things in our lives. In addition to sharing via this blog, have you seen God use these experiences to help others in similar experiences? Or help people with other types of trauma?
God has done so much more in my life than I could have ever imagined. I would not change a thing about my past, because it has brought me closer with my Savior. Before I even dealt with a lot of my trauma, God was using it to teach me, patience, perseverance, courage, the ability to see the gifts in others and also myself, that I am not a product of sin, but I am His daughter. There is so much joy when I can be a witness for Him, to give the gift of hope. To be that listener that someone is sharing their pain with for the first time, it is a privilege.
For more resources and information, call the National Sexual Abuse hotline, 1-800-656-4673; visit rainn.org, and reach out to GRACE—Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment for church specific needs.
