“That game was amazing. Did you see that 3-pointer at the buzzer?”
Michael glanced at Hugh’s AAC tablet as he said that, and I had to laugh at myself. After all my years of teaching middle school special education, specifically a significant disabilities/autism class, you’d think I would have learned by now that some of my best-laid plans were the last things my students needed…especially when it came to making friends. Michael was the last person I would have picked as a friend for Hugh. I’ve learned a lot about friendships over the years, and I’d like to share some of that today.
It's Good To Have a Plan
I cannot count the number of times I’ve organized opportunities for my students with various disabilities to interact with their peers in a regular education setting. Each time I spent weeks helping my students prepare using social stories and role-playing. I would take them on a tour of the other classroom while the kids were out so they would be more comfortable in that setting, and we practiced using their visual organizers and assistive technology to communicate with other adults. I met with the regular education teachers, and we discussed things like seating and which students were most likely to be accepting and helpful. I would even introduce my student to one of those chosen “buddies” in advance so they would recognize someone safe.
I had done all those things for Hugh, who had autism and used an AAC device to communicate. He loved science, so I asked the science teacher, Ms. Madison, if Hugh could sit in one of her classes one day a week to practice interacting with his non-disabled peers. She was excited to help, and we quickly made a schedule and chose the perfect seat next to the perfect buddy. One of our educational assistants, Helen, agreed to stay with Hugh for the first few weeks, and I quietly cheered him on from the hallway as he stepped into the new classroom for the first time.
“Boy, Were You Wrong!”
Those were the first words out of Helen’s mouth when she came back with Hugh 45 minutes later. Somehow the subject of basketball had come up only minutes into class, and Hugh LOVED basketball. So did Michael, who was one of the school’s star athletes at almost 6 feet tall. Michael had the typical cool, tough guy attitude many 8th grade athletes display. Honestly, Michael was probably the one student I didn’t want Hugh associating with for fear of being bullied.
As soon as the picture of a basketball came up on Ms. Madison’s board, Hugh began tapping furiously on his AAC tablet and told the entire class about his trip to see the state’s NBA team a few weeks before. Michael had seen that game too. Hugh pulled up a picture of him standing next to one of the players and ran over to show Michael. Hugh decided to take it upon himself to change his assigned seat to be next to Michael.
Friendships Can’t Be Forced
After about another two weeks, Hugh wanted to go to Ms. Madison’s class every day. He also convinced the adaptive PE coach to let him join Michael’s group to play basketball in the one position he knew how to play…as the scorekeeper. Amazingly, Michael and the other boys in that group accepted Hugh. They tried to teach him how to do a layup and let him draw all the illustrations on their science lab worksheets.
Over the next year, this friendship had its struggles. Our staff worked together on more than one occasion to help Hugh and Michael navigate different challenges that came up. It wasn’t always easy. And what about the young man we chose to be Hugh’s perfect buddy? He could relate to Hugh because his younger sister was autistic and shared some of the same tendencies, but he later confided in Helen that he was a little relieved Hugh got along with Michael and the other athletes because it gave him a little break.
@littlewildthingsphoto from Unsplash
Beyond the School Walls
What makes Michael and Hugh’s story even more special is that it wasn’t limited to a science or PE class a few times a week at school. I found out from Hugh’s mother that they attended the same church as Michael’s family. Hugh’s parents had been very hesitant about him participating in the youth group activities without them or some other adult support. Then one Sunday, Hugh jumped up and ran to sit by Michael. From that day on, every Sunday Hugh insisted on sitting with Michael, and Michael never seemed to mind. On the occasions when Hugh went to a youth Bible study or event, Michael made sure he was included.
The Control Trap
I think so many times as parents and teachers, we tend to orchestrate friendships for our kids with disabilities to the point they have no control. It’s an easy trap to fall into. We put so much effort and energy into training our kids and preparing them for social interactions, that we forget that their actual friendships are not our own. I’ve even known a few people who were personally offended when their child or student chose to be friends with someone other than their specially chosen buddy. Our defenses go up and boundaries in relationships become blurred.
I personally believe that many of the social skills activities I’ve done with my students and my own children have been a great benefit. Our kids need the training and support we provide through role-playing, social stories, and other activities, but at what point do we take our hands off and give control of those friendships to our kids? Letting go of that control can be scary. Sometimes it can be a painful experience for us and our kids, but these organic friendships can help build confidence and independence in both our disabled children and their non-disabled peers.
Guest blogger, Amy Tindell, spent 19 years as a teacher, mostly in special education. She has a child with ADHD and another with autism. Since leaving the classroom, Amy has written several children’s chapter books from a neurodivergent perspective in the Think A Little Different series and has a blog entitled Neurodiversity & Faith. You can find out more about Amy at www.amytindell.com
