For several years, a part of me dreaded November, December and early January. The holiday season—from Thanksgiving through Christmas and New Years—can be a wonderful opportunity for family and friends, traditions, spontaneity and general festivity. But for those of us experiencing the unique challenges of parenting someone with special needs, there can be a looming shadow over the joys of that season. Recovering afterwards can get emotionally and spiritually complicated too.
Our third daughter, Carly, has severe disabilities that add stress to social gatherings and travel. Relaxing for more than an hour or two at any time of the year is rare. Managing her health as well as sensory, developmental and behavioral needs is difficult enough at home. Those challenges mushroom when we are on the road or trying to join a party. For many years, taking that package of complexity over to grandma’s house or into an extra crowded church service triggered grief and more resentment than I care to admit. By January 2nd—and sometimes long before that—I was exhausted, bitter, depressed and racked with guilt feelings for being so self-centered and dragging others down with me. For me, overcoming the post-holiday funk has been a very real battle.
Thankfully, God is patient and has provided some tools that are softening the edges of my emotions and keeping me more mentally positive. Carly is 21 years old now and I’m in my mid 50s. I’m grateful to be learning alongside other special needs parents about things that give us victory over the shadows.
I am learning to honor my need to process grief. Parenting Carly gives me many reasons to rejoice in the unique and wonderful ways God has designed her. Still, there are times when I also feel sad, angry, worried or discouraged. Holidays bring different, sometimes unexpected, triggers toward sorrow and disappointment. It’s nobody’s fault, but those are real and important feelings. I’ve learned that each person in our family experiences them, too. Denying them isn’t healthy. But festering in them isn’t helpful either. So each of us is learning how to take those feelings to Jesus and each other. I’m very grateful that Larry and I, along with our children and some extended family, are getting better at talking things out with each other. We find comfort in the resonance. It also reveals opportunities to collaborate about what we might do about it.
I am learning to celebrate successes. Many years ago, I sobbed when I realized that hanging Christmas stockings on the fireplace mantle would create a safety hazard for Carly. I felt robbed of a tradition and freedom. But when I discovered that they looked really cool hanging from the staircase railing away from busy hands, I grinned with the satisfaction of a clever compromise. When I got even one sheet of Christmas cookies in the oven, my shoulders eased in satisfaction. When my children got to enjoy an evening playing a game with their cousins, I gave myself an internal “high five.” When our family returned from a two-day road-trip to the grandparents’ house, I checked one off for the “win”—even if it wasn’t smooth sailing the whole way. During my post-holiday reflections, I ask Jesus to show me the strengths and gems to be remembered out of the holiday chaos.
I am learning to give attention to self-care—before, during and after the holidays. I am learning to encourage others in my family to take care of themselves, too. There are two keys to my holiday survival. The first is a power nap! I can’t emphasize enough what value there is in making that a priority all year round. Second, I start on December 1st planning for as much help as I can possibly get—some paid and some volunteer. For example, former caregivers who are away at college are often willing to pick up a few hours of companionship with Carly while they are home for holidays. Some of them are even around for a couple of extra weeks into January. With less than three hours, my family can go see a distraction-free movie at the theatre together. I put as much energy and passion into pacing adequate respite for myself and the rest of my family as I invested in making sure Carly had a quality IEP.
When our children were school-aged, I became intentional about reserving the first day back to school in January as my personal day for holiday recovery. I didn’t work that day. I allowed myself complete freedom to do absolutely whatever I wanted to do for a few hours. Knowing that day was coming gave me courage to press on in difficult holiday moments. That day of “planned regrouping” still helps me keep my chin up when holiday moments and circumstances are especially rough or complicated. Usually, my plan involves something that makes me feel a bit pampered (e.g., taking a long hot bath, binging on Netflix while the kids are at school, getting a massage, painting my nails, having my house cleaned, walking with a friend, reading a book while sipping hot apple cider by the fire). The plan is as unique as I am. Understanding what specific things will help encourage and regenerate me after the holidays has been a tremendous help.
I keep reminding myself that God has my back. For all the things I can try to do for myself and strategize about for my family, the ultimate Source of my forgiveness, energy and hope must come from Jesus. Only He is perfectly reliable. Jesus was born onto my scene to accomplish an epic rescue mission. All of my selfishness, neediness, sinfulness and weakness is overcome and loved out of the way by Jesus’ power, purpose and presence.
Acts 3:19-20
Now repent of your sins and turn to God,
so that your sins may be wiped away.
Then times of refreshment will come from the presence of the Lord,
and he will again send you Jesus, your appointed Messiah.
Psalm 37:5-8, 18
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will
Shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop you anger!
Turn from your rage!
Do not envy others—
it only leads to harm.
Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent,
and they will receive a reward that lasts forever.
This is our greatest hope and comfort. For all the helpful things a special needs parent can learn about overcoming discouragement, our best strategy is connecting with Jesus. Jesus is our shortest path toward renewed strength, deep peace and joy that overcomes. Let’s make THAT our Happy New Year!
Lisa Jamieson is a caregiver consultant, pastoral counsellor and author of popular books and Bible studies including Finding Glory in the Thorns and Jesus, Let’s Talk. Lisa and her husband, Larry, live in Minnesota with the youngest of their three grown daughters, Carly, who has Angelman Syndrome. Together, the Jamiesons founded Walk Right In Ministries in 2008, a non-profit organization building faith and community with special needs families.
