It has been a challenging few months. September last year saw everyone back at school or college for another year. But for one of ours, it has become the year that feels like one year too many. School routines, expectations and the energy needed to get along and fit in has caught up with her and it’s all become too much. It’s always been a struggle getting through the school week, but instead of struggle it became battle, and now it’s almost impossible. For Andrew and I, it has been another season of real heartbreak and heart- searching as we’ve watched our vibrant little one become withdrawn and shut everyone and everything out. Over Christmas she barely left her room, and all the rituals and traditions we have enjoyed—albeit in our own manageable way—over the years were too demanding and overwhelming this year.
When you have prayed for God’s direction in your life, and believe you have heard along with others that it’s right to step into a new season or a new ministry, you step out in trust that all the ‘little things’ will slot into place. That what the family needs to thrive will be provided. That our children who come along for the ride will be protected and their needs met. I guess sometimes watching one of your kids in pain and distress, unable to manage the challenges of everyday can lead you to doubt, or to question if you heard God’s call. And of course right alongside those doubts are the feelings of guilt and blame that as Mum you could have, should have prevented this. Fought harder, given more, done less; listened and seen better and sooner.
You just want to fix it. You desperately want your vibrant little one to feel safe and well again. The doubts throw me back onto God; I want to be shown the way—the new way where there seems to be no way. I can’t fix it, even through my very best superhuman effort or my most creative out-of-the-box thinking. Only my always-been-faithful Father God knows her through and through, and can see how life’s challenges and struggles are shaping her to be the unique world-changer she is called to be in Him. Only His love is strong and deep enough to hold her and steady her through. It’s actually me that’s along for the ride! And goodness, what a ride, what an adventure!
When it seems a lot of life has simply ‘shut down’ as we face this crisis, we are discovering previously unseen and unrecognized provisions and blessings. As we reach out and desperately hold tight in prayer and fragile trust, we are being shown again how steady His hold is on us, how faithful, how creative is the fullness of life that He has for us. Our ideas of ‘the plan’ look like they have fallen in a heap, but as they fall around us, new plans are coming into view. We have been feeling everything has shut down, but God is as full of life and newness as He always has been. He has not stopped what He is doing in us and through us. He never promises an easy ride; adventures rarely are. Yet He promises to hold us steady and to walk alongside and ahead—and chivvy us on from the rear. He has whispered to us, calling us to walk with Him into His newness, His fullness of life. Our earthly limitations and impossibilities cannot shut Him down or limit that life He has for us, if we can reach out and hold on tighter. He works with impossibilities, He brings life out of death and makes a way where there is no way. Again and again.
Photo credit: Olivier Collet on Unsplash.com.
For us, our next steps for and with our little one are becoming clearer. Where we live has a number of unique, nurturing little village schools that we can work out a way for her to attend, with support. There are new possibilities that we pray will support her and help her. Our church family here has many who ‘get it,’ who understand the heartache and have experience and expertise to support us. As our plans and ideas fall, God is showing us what is already in place around us. He is gently leading us on a path we had not seen for ourselves—a way where there seemed to be no way.
See more of Cathy Porter’s work at clearlynurturing.wordpress.com.
