Coronavirus grief in kids is real. It's a by-product of the COVID-19 pandemic that is unfair, unwelcome, and at odds with the carefree world we want to create for our kids. More than anything, the caring adults—parents, foster parents, teachers, children's pastors, medical professionals, mental health therapists, and others—who comprise our children's support networks would like to ignore coronavirus grief and pretend it doesn't exist.
But it does.
We can do much better than wishing away our kids' coronavirus grief. We can come alongside our children, those with special needs and typical kids too, and create a space where they can process their coronavirus grief. We can help them mourn their losses, however big or small they may seem, in these six simple and profound ways.
#1: Remain Calm
Kids take their cues from adults, so primary caregivers who respond calmly to the daily effects of this pandemic provide children with a secure environment. Children who feel secure, even while chaos rages around them, can spend their emotional energy on grieving well instead of on worry. When at all possible, save your own emotional breakdown—and we all have them now and then—for when the kids aren't around.
#2: Validate a Child's Grief
We do our children a great service by validating whatever they are grieving. It may be the loss of a loved one who succumbed to COVID-19 or the fact that they can't attend a grandparent's funeral because of stay-at-home constraints. They could also be mourning the loss of their school routine, their teachers, and friends. They may miss seeing grandparents, playing with cousins, and activities like library story time, therapy appointments, art clubs, music lessons, and a hundred other little things.
We need to view the losses kids are dealing with from the perspective of a vulnerable child, rather than with an adult point of view. When we do that, we can understand and validate their grief rather than discount it.
Photo credit: Jordan Whitt on Unsplash.com.
#3: Let Kids Talk
Humans process significant life events by retelling them. Allowing kids to talk about their losses and how they feel is important. We need to listen well and let them guide the conversation, as well as help them identify words (sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, etc.) to describe their emotions.
#4: Offer Trauma First Aid
Grief is often traumatic for kids for a couple reasons. Coronavirus grief may be their first major loss experience. It's new and scary and for kids, and what's new and scary is often traumatic. Also, kids haven't had enough life experiences to show them that life will eventually become more like it was before the pandemic. In Trauma-Proofing Your Kids, Peter Levine and Maggie Kline walk parents through a set of exercises they call Trauma First Aid for Kids. These steps help children release the pent up energy that overwhelms their bodies during stressful events. You might want to pick up a copy and give Trauma First Aid a try.
#5: Find a Therapist
Some children can't let go of their grief, even several months after the steps listed above have been implemented. If that's the case for a child you love, it's time to seek professional help. To find a good therapist, ask people you trust for recommendations. If that doesn't work, the article How to Find a Trauma Therapist for Kids explains how to find a good therapist wherever you may live.
#6: Be an Example
Children need grief role models, people who show them how to process coronavirus grief and live with loss in healthy ways. They need adults who can calmly talk about their grief journeys. Kids need adults to describe how seeing a therapist helped them. They need adults willing to shed a few tears about their own losses and then share memories of how joy touched them in hard times. They need adults to take them outside to laugh and play so kids know grief doesn't have to rule them.
Like the grief caused by Pearl Harbor and 9-11, those of us who live through this pandemic will carry remnants of coronavirus grief the rest of our lives. By being transparent, patient, compassionate, and encouraging adults, we can show children how to mourn their losses well and to find hope.
Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.
