A question I get asked loads of times is this; “How can I explain special needs to children?”
The answer depends on the context, as there are different ways that this can be responded to, determined by who needs the answer. Are we responding to a question from a child with special needs themselves? “Why am I different?” Are we responding to a perceived question from within a children’s group, “Why are they different?” Or are we trying to figure out an answer to a question we’re asking ourselves, “How do I include everyone’s differences?”
A starting point as we try to navigate a path through these questions is to grapple with a rather large issue: what is “different?” All of the questions above have been, rather crudely I admit, couched in a way that includes the word “different” or “difference.” The questions are all based on questions that I, and I’m sure many of you, have been asked many times. But what is “different?” Different to what, or to whom?
We are all different, unless we have an identical twin, so there is really no such thing as a “normal” person to be different to; we are all different to each other. So where is the line drawn that causes us to ask the questions in the previous paragraphs? Is someone considered to be on the other side of that line if they have red hair? Or one green eye and one brown? Or are under or over a certain height? What about if they have a birthmark?
Hopefully we have moved on from the time when people would be stared at and thought to be “different” because of the color of their skin, although recent news suggests this may not entirely be the case yet. So where is that line, who gets to draw it, and why should people with special needs or disabilities find themselves on the “wrong” side of it so often? On the side that isn’t “normal?”
One suggestion I give to people trying to explain this to children is to gather them all together. Ask them what is different about each of them, compared to the rest of the group. I encourage them to include affirming differences such as “I’m good at football,” or “I collect unicorns,” as well as things that are physical differences such as “I’m taller,” or “I have freckles,” for example. Then ask them if they can remember a time when they have needed a bit of extra help or support, prompting them to remember times such as when they fell out of a tree and broke their arm, or when they were sad because their pet had died, or when they were sick.
It is then easier to use these examples to help them better understand that everyone is "different;" none of us is “normal;” there is no such thing! And all of us have times when we need a bit of extra support or help, whether we have a special need or disability or not. Helping children to understand this through their own experiences will help to give them a reference point to be more accepting of others.
Photo credit: winniethepooh.disney.com.
It can also be helpful to think about a group of popular children’s characters and discuss the differences between them. The characters in the A.A. Milne Winnie the Pooh stories offer a great example for younger children. Very different characteristics, abilities and attributes are found in the various characters in the Hundred Acre Wood. Tigger is very bouncy and confident, while Eeyore is quieter and likes being on his own. Owl is very wise, while Roo, being younger, still has a lot to learn. Every one of them is different, as are we all.
The hardest question can be the one from a child themselves:“Why am I different?” We can answer the question theologically, telling them that God Himself formed them the way they are, that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, or that God knew them and chose them as they are before they were even made. And that is all absolutely true and good to help them understand, but perhaps what they are really wanting to know more than anything else is whether their perceived “difference” affects the way we might feel about them, especially if they have experienced rejection due to their special needs. The question that might be in the deepest darkest corner of their breaking heart might be, “Do they still love me?”
Possibly the best non-theological response might be, with a little adaptation, through these words from Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh:
“Promise me you’ll always remember… you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved move than you know.”
Maybe that’s the best answer we can give to a child who asks us that tough question, and by not just saying it, but living it with them we can help them face whatever challenges lie ahead together. As A.A. Milne once again puts so well:
Piglet: “How do you spell love?” Pooh: “You don’t spell it, you feel it.”
I think, perhaps, Jesus Himself would add an “Amen!” to that!
Shalom,
Mark
Mark Arnold is the Additional Needs Ministry Director for Urban Saints Church, Luton, Bedfordshire, UK. Follow his writing at https://theadditionalneedsblogfather.com.
