Whether we’re talking about our marriage relationship or relationships with friends, acquaintances or someone we’ve just met, I believe we have mastered the art of monologue and have no real idea how to have a genuinely sincere conversation. What we are about to uncover is also applicable to meetings, IEP’s, meeting someone for the first time, taking to neighbors, so basically every conversation we will have.
While writing this piece I wanted to give it a strong emphasis on the “special needs” component of conversation, but realize it’s universal and people need to learn how to converse with everyone, all the time, and no matter what is going on in their lives. We all have some special need going on in our life! The word “converse” means to interact, which means to go back and forth with another person, not just one person doing all the talking. That is a monologue. And usually at the end of an evening of monologue, you might ask the question, “Gee, what did they even ask us to learn something about us. They talked all night and know nothing about us. They never even asked us a question!”
Think about it. When was the last time someone asked you about you? Or, putting the shoe on our own foot, when was the last time you asked someone about them? Often people ask me/us how Joey (our son with special needs) is doing, but seldom (I can’t even think of a time) when someone truly asked how we were doing about changes or challenges as it related relates to him. That is 38 years of mostly just saying things that pacify the question, but don’t dig deep enough to allow us to share much of anything. I guess we get to do that when we are speaking in front of an audience, but that is an entirely different venue of communication than friend to friend or spouse to spouse. And when was the last time someone truly inquired because they cared, or did you feel they were cranking up to share with you what they had on their mind and what was happening in their life?
Perhaps you have that one person in your life—maybe more—who always has a comment to your comment. If you hurt your arm, they hurt theirs in 1992 and they needed an MRI and then they were out of commission for six weeks; they needed to have help showering and the litany goes on and on. At that point you stop and just listen to the monologue, especially if you don’t want to “compete!”
I realize that not every conversation is going to be lovely banter back and forth. In friendships and especially in marriage, sometimes one of us gets the mic for a long period of time in one setting, and then hopefully the next time; we take turns and let the other person get a chance to talk, vent, rant, rattle on and on, and such. That is still conversation just very extended.
The idea is this: ONE PERSON SHOULD NOT DO ALL THE TALKING. Here are things a talker can start to learn:
Listen to what the other person said, and respond to it without your own story!
Ask questions of the person to better understand their story and see if they ask you about your story. If they don’t, let them talk. You’ll get a turn another time.
Ask questions about them. Get to know them. Pursue their story and their heart.
Realize this is their moment.
If their child has had 48 surgeries, don’t mention your child had 50.
If they went to Italy let them talk about it. You can share your Italy story next time.
If they have a frustration, let them share it and don’t top it with what happened to you.
If they are feeling down and out, don’t tell them how much worse you had it.
If they need to cry, let them, and let them get it all out.
Photo credit: Jason Rosewell on Unsplash.com
Many of us don’t know how to do these things, so if you want to learn to:
Listen without reloading what you’re going to say
Converse – going back and forth in conversation
Ask questions
Be a caring individual
Get to know the other person
Walk a mile in your friend’s shoes
….then click this link for some ideas how you can do that in just a few minutes a day. Practice makes perfect and most people don’t want to hear just about us.
Perhaps this will help us to learn the “art of conversation” rather than the monotonous monologue we’re used to enduring or offering. If we ask ourselves the question, “What new thing(s) did I learn about this other person?” we are probably on our way to conversing. Try it. You’ll like it! And others will like you!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They speak nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife, and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at www.cindiferrini.com and social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/.
