Seasons help us to realize we’re not alone. We might still feel alone but we can see things differently and then change our thinking, and even our responses. We know everyone goes through “stuff” but sometimes we need to recognize it just happens to be our turn. The harder part is that we still have someone we are caring for full time, 24/7 added to the new hard stuff!
For families like mine, with an autistic child and my own ADHD and anxiety, Christmas is rarely “calm” or “bright.” In fact, it is often loud, noisy, and overwhelming. Our children get overwhelmed by the lights and the new items. We, as parents, get overwhelmed by all the mess and noise. There are so many sensory inputs flowing through that you feel like you are in a never-ending vacuum of noise. And, that doesn’t even take into account that I’m operating on just a few hours of sleep after leading multiple Christmas services as a pastor.
Ruth saw a bright future for herself. She didn’t have an exact plan in front of her. But at 18, she vaguely knew what she wanted in the future: a master’s degree, a husband, a job she enjoyed, and children. Emma was on another path altogether. When Emma turned 18, she was already enrolled in a school for students with more significant disabilities.
Zechariah, despite being visited by an angel, doubted what he had been told, and so Gabriel told him that because of this doubt, Zechariah would not be able to speak until his son was born. So, he became unable to speak, and therefore unable to communicate through speech. What did he do? And what does his story teach us about people who cannot communicate by speech, or choose not to, today?
There were young kids, teens, young adults, even his best friend, all playing together, learning and laughing. But, there was no sign of my child. I searching the parking lot where everyone was talking and hanging out with their families; not there either. Here is where most people panic. But, deep down I knew; look with the younger kids. It was there I found him, rolling down the hill, filled with that bold childhood laughter, having the time of his life. No pressure here. No one asking him to make quick decisions he had to worry about in that football game. There was only freedom and joy. I want him to be something he isn’t sometimes, but I’m learning to start finding the thankful in disability.
Whether we’re talking about our marriage relationship or relationships with friends, acquaintances or someone we’ve just met, I believe we have mastered the art of monologue and have no real idea how to have a genuinely sincere conversation. Here are ideas to help us to learn the “art of conversation” rather than the monotonous monologue we’re used to enduring or offering.
For those of us who are married for better or worse, we’re in it to win it. That’s the easy part because it’s just saying the words, but in real life, we know that many of us in the world and journey of special needs need real help to make it to the finish line. Those doing this alone without a partner to help cope know full well that this journey isn’t for the faint of heart. Whether married or single parenting special needs, you need help!
Our son with special needs is 38. Joe and I have been vastly helped by the encouragement from each other, and friends and family as they’ve cheered us on in the journey. We know we all need and can use encouragement on a daily basis. For those of us who are married, we can get that encouragement from our spouse. For those in the single lane of this journey, that encouragement must come from others like family, friends, even co-workers and neighbors to make it to the finish line!
We have also had mentors along the way who’ve been great to tap into for their expertise. If you have disappointments and times of discouragement in your marriage or in this journey on your own, you might just need someone to mentor you to the next step. Finding someone you look up to and who is a few steps ahead of you might be all you need to get a right frame of mind and a new place to set your foot firmly. We have appreciated mentorship from others when we needed it.
We’ve even had several counseling sessions, at a time when we wondered if we were getting this special needs marriage and parenting piece in the right place of a million piece puzzle. For any of us having difficulty working through the worse parts of our vows that are dysfunctional and devastating, or for the single parent who just can’t seem to make it day to day where they are, don’t hesitate to see a counselor.
An encourager is one who is beside you cheering you on to the best you can be!
A mentor should help you:
Figure out and navigate challenges, such as money issues or raising children
Get out of a rut if you’re feeling stuck
Learn to communicate better in simple ways
Distinguish between disappointments versus dysfunction that needs counseling.
A counselor should help you:
Understand how you got into these dysfunctions
Identify and navigate help for mental disorders, depression, etc.
Work through various abuses—drug, alcohol, emotional, marital, etc.
Move forward
Have accountability in the learning and growing process.
This is a partial list of what we cover more fully in our new book Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. Whether married or a single parent, there is a lot to learn as we navigate getting help through encouragement, mentoring, or counseling. We should never hesitate to get whatever help we need. The special needs journey is often long and hard, but made easier and smoother when we have others helping us along the way. We should never be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help when we know we need it.
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on family and special needs. They speak nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife, and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at www.cindiferrini.com and social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
ANNOUNCING their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey is available through their website!
Often, when we talk about our children with special needs, we talk about their limitations, challenges, and the things they have accomplished. It’s always a joy to share the victories in the midst of what is often a lot of work, scheduling, and coordinating a lot of people to help make it happen. But as parents of Joey who is 38, we are also very aware that while we have a lot we need to do with and for him, there are also a lot of things we’ve never had to worry about or be concerned about.
