When the unexpected becomes the norm for the caregiver, as was the case for many in 2021, it knocks us off balance. At least, that’s what one unexpected hit after hit did to me over the past year.
I didn’t realize why my brain felt fuzzy and my energy level had dropped when I paused to write down 2021’s most impactful unexpected events—and discovered there were 8 of them.
First on the list was our house construction and remodeling project. It was 20 months of living in constant flux and mess before the contractors were done.
Next up was the rapid decline of my mother’s health that began last spring just as my siblings and I were able to go into her memory care/assisted living facility for the first time since the pandemic shut down began. Because of her increased care needs, we moved her to a long term care facility in June.
In conjunction with Mom’s health decline came the necessity to advocate on her behalf while she was still in the memory care unit. The pandemic led to rapid staff turnover that greatly complicated my attempts to advocate for her. Snafus with her long term care insurance required numerous phone conversations to solve. The importance of keeping good records and logging conversations was repeatedly reinforced. Had I not done that, Mom’s health might have been compromised.
My husband’s retirement at the end of June was not unexpected, but the preparation leading up to retirement was. The Medicare paperwork, insurance paperwork, and pension paperwork seemed endless.
Photo credit: Casey Horner on Unsplash.com
We were both surprised by how moved we were to visit the town where our son was born almost 40 years ago. We hadn’t been there together for over 2 decades. Catching up with old friends was delightful. Morning walks in the wild, remote country impressed us with its savage beauty. Memories of our son’s medical issues flooded back.
The pandemic reboot thanks to the Delta variant began shortly after our return from that visit. Because of Mom’s health, we once again were wearing masks in public, washing and sanitizing our hands often, and avoiding large crowds.
I began teaching an online college class in August. Teaching is my jam, and I’m loving every minute of it. Nevertheless, the learning curve’s been steep for this 65-year-old with questionable tech skills.
The switch from writing non-fiction to fiction, even when it’s a mystery series featuring characters with disabilities, has included some unexpected challenges and a great deal of fun.
As I read through the list, my fuzzy thinking and lagging energy made sense. For a year, my brain and body had no time to reset and rest. They finally said “enough already” loud and clear until I listened, discovered why they were putting up such a fuss, and cut myself some slack.
When the unexpected becomes the norm for the caregiver, the brain and body will eventually rebel. Perhaps that rebellion occurred for you in 2021. Perhaps long before then. The best thing to do when your brain and body begin to protest is to ask yourself some questions:
What’s been going on in my family and my life lately?
What has been harder or more emotional than expected?
What happened that I didn’t see coming?
How often have those things been happening?
Have my brain and body had time to rest and reset between them?
Your answers may shed light on the physical and mental changes you’re experiencing. They may motivate you to talk to your doctor or to work with a mental health therapist. They may encourage you to extend to yourself the unexpected grace God grants to parents like you who pour out your lives for your children day after day, month after month, and year after year.
Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregivng community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon. See Jane Run!, the first book in the West River cozy mystery series will be released in June of 2022.
