Dear sweet & amazing K,
Oh, my youngest boy. I love you so much. You are full of creative ideas, silly stories, and endless questions. You are kind, passionate, gentle, loving, strong-willed, and a delight to have as a child. I wish my words could reach you the way they would your brother, but I know they cannot. Your love language is physical touch, not words.
Today, I appeal to your logic brain. I am so grateful your brain is wired logically. My sweet math magician. If now you don’t understand that’s okay; one day you will. You can trust me. I don’t lie to you. I love you just as much as I love your brother. There are just days I cannot love you how you need love. This breaks my heart more than you could ever imagine. I am so completely sorry, and Mommy is trying her best here.
I have scars deep in my heart, scars which you have no business knowing the cause, scars that still hurt sometimes. My brain works differently than most people. For most people, an unexpected hug is still a welcome one. For me, it is terrifying and overwhelming, and that’s not fair to you. Mommy has PTSD from thousands of unsafe and unwelcome touches. What that means is my brain is hurt from the things people did to me when I was a little girl. The brain doesn’t heal like the body does. My brain had to find a new way to do the things many people do easily every day.
Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash.com.
You have never been hurt by anyone who was entrusted to care for you. This has taken years, and I do mean years, of work and intentional choices on Mommy’s behalf. I had to learn how to love you and your brother the right way, because my examples of love were either absent or abusive. But I did it, and I did it for you. When my brain found a new way to express and accept love, it was mostly done through words, and through serving others. Touch is hard for mommy.
I want to tell you something, my sweet baby. I love your hugs. I love the cuddly snuggles you share with me. I love that you love to love your mama. I love all these things. There are just times that I cannot be touched. And I am so so sorry that these moments hurt you. It breaks my heart to see you cry after I pull away from unexpected touch. I never want you to feel like I don’t love you. I never want you to feel like I love you less than your brother. This is not true. You and I just have to learn how to show love to each other that’s safe and welcome for both of us.
I spend every day trying to find moments to be able to hug you, hold you, and love on you in the way you need to be loved. I have to balance that with the fact that too much touch triggers Mommy. I promise to keep trying. I ask you to try to be patient. Never let my pulling away make you believe I don’t want you to love me, or that I don’t love you. I DO love you. Please forgive me. I am trying.
Thank you, for being wonderfully, amazingly, unapologetically my sweet K.
I love you. And even when I cannot hold you in my arms, know I am holding you in my heart.
Mommy
Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God's plan.
