My family sits near the back of the sanctuary in our church.
I feel safe in the back, away from the majority of the crowd, where we might blend in and not disturb anyone. In the back, we are closer to the doors if we decide we need a quick escape. The noises my daughter with special needs makes are things I cannot elude, however.
Occasionally, a soft vowel sound floats from my daughter’s mouth during the service. I barely notice that particular noise. It’s a sound that is easy to ignore as it hardly brings attention to itself. In my world, teeth grinding and vowel sounds are commonplace. I am not always aware of them as it seems like background noise.
Several times during the sermon, my daughter will rock hard and fast, back and forth in the chair. Sometimes, she is silent during her rocking and the only noise emitted is the sound of her body slamming against the padded chair. Other times, her rocking is accompanied by giggles or a happy sound. Either way, she pauses when I gently touch her leg. She might start back up again, but for a moment, she’s still.
A couple of times during the pastor’s message, a loud groan, vowel sound, or other noise may project from my daughter. It is more likely to happen if the pastor gets loud. Briefly, she interjects into the silent crowd, and then she stops. I gently shush my daughter to remind her to be quiet while we listen to the sermon. She responds with a hushed, “Sorry.”
Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
I wonder if my daughter’s sound is as loud as I fear. If someone turns around to locate the source of the sound, my suspicions are confirmed. If no one searches for the person producing all the noises, I relax a bit more. My son may plead with my daughter to be quiet, and I begin feeling tense.
I debate on my next move. Should we leave the sanctuary for a few minutes? Her noises are sporadic. It’s hard to determine if she will produce another sound and when it will occur. I decide we should stay, but I find myself preoccupied.
I question what other people are thinking. Are they disturbed by my not-so-quiet daughter? Do they understand she has a disability and cannot help the noises? Do they regret sitting near my family?
While my thoughts continue, I snap out of it and realize something. I don’t know what the pastor has said for the last few minutes. I have completely lost focus on the message. I have been worrying about my daughter and the people around me. Ironically, I am in church fretting over something like this.
I have to trust that the people in our congregation will have grace for my family.
If you sit in the back of my church, you may see my family, and you will most likely hear my daughter. I hope we make you smile, and I pray that you have patience with us. Please do not be disturbed by noises in the back of the church.
Evana is a wife and mother of two children. She enjoys serving in her church’s special-needs ministry. Evana is also a pediatric speech-language pathologist and serves children with autism, feeding disorders, and other developmental delays. You can connect with Evana on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, A Special Purposed Life. You can also read more about her family’s story in her book, Badges of Motherhood: One Mother’s Story about Family, Down syndrome, Hospitals, and Faith.
