When my kids were about two and four, I joined a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. I was excited to have childcare provided, a break from all the therapies, and to have adult conversations with other moms.
At the beginning of the first meeting, we were supposed to introduce ourselves to the other moms at our round table by saying our names and three quick facts about ourselves.
When it was my turn, I said, "My name is Jenn, and I have two boys, and I am a special needs mom and...um..."
I froze. My life revolved around the needs and endless appointments of my kids. I could not think of a single “other thing“ to say about me.
The table leader gently added, "and you are a beloved daughter of the King," before calling on the next mom to introduce herself.
I smiled gratefully at her, but the whole situation—and her words, left my mind whirling. I realized I had lost my identity in my special needs parenting journey.
Have you experienced something similar? Or maybe you are feeling it now?
Image from Disability is Beautiful by Jake Muller
Here are a few things I have done to reclaim my identity as more than just a special needs parent:
Remember your spiritual identity.
My encouraging table leader reminded me of not just one aspect of my physical identity but of my spiritual identity. She reminded me of one way God sees me, and I began the work to reclaim my spiritual identity.
Beloved. Redeemed. Chosen. Loved. Child of God. Worthy. Victorious. On and on the list goes.
Psalm 138:17-18 tells us, "How precious to me are your thoughts, oh God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand."
God believes wonderful things about us. We should remind ourselves of His truth and what He says about us. This is our true identity.
Spend more time with others.
My whole life revolved around the needs of my kids. I realized I had neglected the needs of myself and my husband in the process.
Not only did I get involved in a weekly MOPs meeting and a small group at our church, but my husband would watch the kids from time to time while I met a friend for dinner or for coffee. Having time to connect with an encouraging friend or with a fellow group of believers was life-giving.
I also became more intentional in spending time with my husband. It wasn’t always easy to find babysitters for dates, so we had to get creative. Sometimes one of us would pick up dinner, and we’d have a picnic dinner on the living room floor while chatting after the kids were in bed.
It may take more effort to make these relationships happen around our child’s needs and finding childcare, but it’s so important to make that intentional time with others happen.
Pursue your passions.
God created us with gifts and passions to use and enjoy. I love how God describes Bezalel: “Then the LORD said to Moses, ‘See, I have chosen Bezalel… I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts – to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver, and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship.” Exodus 31:1-5
God created Bezalel to craft beautiful things—including His holy tabernacle. I love the sense of pride God has in His words as He describes Bezalel. We, too, are created with gifts and passions—it makes us feel alive, refreshed, and purposeful when we use them.
Find a way, schedule it if needed, to do the things that bring you joy. Maybe, it is exercising, writing, gardening, or baking. Maybe, it is serving in a ministry that inspires you. Pursuing our gifts and passions, those things that make us feel fully alive and like a complete person, not just a special needs parent is the refreshing self-care and soul-care you deserve.
What do you like to do to help you maintain your identity that is not just a special needs parent?
Jenn Soehnlin is a mother to two boys who are precious blessings and who both have special needs. She is the author of Embracing This Special Life: Learning to Flourish as a Mother of a Child with Special Needs. Jenn enjoys blogging about faith, praying Scripture, and special needs parenting at www.embracing.life. You can also find her on Facebook and Instagram. For online encouragement and support for special needs mothers, check out her Facebook group Embracing This Special Life.
