None of us will parent perfectly—so let’s take that pressure off our shoulders! But, we will always teach our children, whether we model life indirectly, as they watch and then model us, or teach directly through instruction.
Parents all desire to teach their children things that will make them better siblings, children, and someday adults. As parents, we wish we had a formula we used for our two daughters to grow up to be 30-something, lovely compassionate women—the formula was not ours, but God's.
God gave them an older brother with special needs.
Our oldest daughter told us at age 12 that when she grew up, she would want to care for her brother when we were eventually unable to. We are certain that our thoughts at age 12 would never have been in that direction—such maturity and compassion this young lady had! Our younger daughter eased more into that thinking—probably because she was the one he most picked on over the years! As they grew up, both were always looking after him and paying attention to how others treated not only him but others like him. They have grown to be wonderful sisters to him and mothers to their sons (and a daughter on the way for our youngest daughter!)
Photo by Patty Brito on Unsplash
We would love to think we had clear steps to teach compassion, but the bottom line is we hope they saw that we showed it. Not only to our son but to everyone.
Our goals were to help others by:
Offering help when someone needed it
Showing care in public as well as in private moments
Providing meals when it could ease someone’s day
Calling and asking how we might fill a need
Coming alongside others in real ways: at the hospital, at appointments, etc.
Helping others learn more about special needs and how to show compassion by learning and understanding better
We remember one of the girls asked why we were taking a meal to one of our adult friends who just lost her husband to a tragic death. Cindi asked, “Why do you think we’re doing this?” She answered, “Because we want to show her that we care and we are here for her.” Our daughter was 5.
We also had many opportunities over a 10-year period to care for our parents (Joe's and Cindi's) as our children came with us to their grandparent appointments, visited hospitals and nursing homes, and when one of their grandparents tossed a hamburger across the room because they were frustrated in their stage of dementia, how to de-escalate that moment and not cause the grandparent, us, or the workers embarrassment. Instead, they learned to love, have compassion, and genuinely care for others. Talk about making memories!
We all make mistakes along our parenting way, but when we teach directly and model indirectly, we have a better chance of instilling compassion and other positive character traits. If we are all in learning mode, we will all have the opportunity to exhibit what we have practiced. People are observing.
Consider what people observe about your example—what do you think they see?
Make changes if needed or stay the course and watch for the results down the road!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at: www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/ (Also used with permission from Ferrini's and published at FamilyLife.com/articles and copyright by Joe and Cindi Ferrini with some changes in this article form for the KEY audience.)
