Whack-a-mole reminds me of a few things:
Raising a lot of small children
Having children close together
Parenting a Child with Special Needs
In each of these times in life, my mind goes to diaper changes, crying, screaming, feeding on demand, naps that aren’t happening, and nights that are interrupted. Also coming to mind is tired, weary, and sometimes overwhelmed and even wanting to quit. The difference in the above list is that the first two generally age out and transition to a typical schedule, but the latter is never-ending.
While two of our three children grew up and moved on to a life of their own, the life of having a special needs child/adult child doesn’t change. Because life with a child/adult child with special needs doesn’t change or age out—long-term caregiving has an effect on our marriage.
To prevent our relationship from crumbling, we need to be sure that we don’t let the stress of caregiving override and overwhelm us.
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash
In our almost 42 years of raising, caring for, and living with our son with special needs (cerebral palsy, epilepsy, severe allergies, minimally verbal, lack of learning abilities, and is 6’4” tall—yes!), we have hoped and desired to give other couples on their Unexpected Journey help, hope, and encouragement. We need to have things to look forward to!
Here are four simple ways to keep your marriage strong:
1, Something to look forward to daily together.
We should share our affection on a daily basis. Saying “I love you” and how we appreciate each other can go a long way. Words of edification and affirmation are so needed in marriage!
2. Something to look forward to weekly together.
Because getting a babysitter for one with special needs is often a challenge, we’d plan something for us to be able to stay home. For us, it’s a show or program. It has varied over the years, but we know on a certain night and time, we enjoy a program together. Popcorn and pop? Snack and hot beverage? Add something fun that is easy! Talk it up ahead of time. Afterward, talk about it. If it’s a series, talk about what happened and what you think may happen next. Have fun with it. What is your weekly idea that would suit you and your marriage?
3. Something to look forward to monthly together.
We knew a lot of couples when we were young who could get out on a weekly date. That didn’t work for us—thus #1 above! But we tried hard to have something once a month that would get us out of the house. What we did varied: a dinner out, a movie, a bible study, a ministry meeting, and going out for coffee after, breakfast out, etc. We’d have to agree to whatever that date would be. It would have to be something we both would enjoy. Some of our friends in our similar Unexpected Journey would plan a sport or hobby night out. What would you both enjoy doing? Maybe take up a sport like we tried. We took golf lessons. We stunk at golf but got out and had fun. Once even getting drenched in a thunderstorm! Try something new. Fail, but have fun. You’re together! That is the goal.
4. Something to look forward to yearly together.
This can be tough, and thus a lot of planning and preparing is necessary. We recommend a long weekend away, attending a marriage retreat or conference, or perhaps if you are able, a week-long vacation. The need to get away from the daily, life-long obligations of care is vital. It may take time to plan it all—including gathering the kind of help you need for the time frame you need, but if you don’t work at it-it won’t happen. Plan it together. Talk about what would be a nice getaway for you both. It will vary from couple to couple but make a list and work from it over the years.
Even though returning home reminds us that our situation doesn’t change or go away, the anticipation and excitement of looking forward to daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly times together keep us and our marriage strong!
What will it be for you?
Have a seat with your spouse, grab your favorite beverage, and start planning.
You’ll be glad you did!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at: www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/ (Also used with permission by Ferrini's for publication at FamilyLife.com/articles and copyright by Ferrini's.)
