From across our home, I hear her loud, unmistakable giggle. I enter the room to see my daughter rocking in her recliner. She’s smiling and laughing as she looks at nothing in particular. There’s no music or shows playing. There is nothing around to cause the joy she is experiencing. I pause, looking at her sweet face for a moment.
I ask the question that I know will not get a response. “What are you laughing about?”
She continues on with smiles and laughs. She doesn’t reply, as expected. I don’t know the source of her joy, but I know it’s something deep within her.
It may be a memory she is re-living that causes her to laugh. It could be a funny video clip she is recalling. She might be thinking about an encounter with her favorite cousins who always know how to make her happy.
Whatever the reason, joy comes out of my daughter easily and often.
Image from @phammi on Unsplash
These are the times when I wish I could be like her. I wish I had all of that joy bubbling out of me. Sometimes, I envy her ability to be content to sit with herself and simply laugh.
I am often unable to sit with my thoughts, and I feel the need to stay busy all day long. My mind is usually bogged down with too many stressors in this life. To sit still and laugh from no outside source, it is not something I can do.
Due to her developmental delays, my daughter does not grasp the severity of every situation. She doesn’t always understand dangers and stressors.
On the other hand, I am fully aware of things that could go wrong. Recent predictions about my daughter’s health have caused me quite a bit of stress. She has sat in the room with all the conversations regarding her heart and lungs. My daughter and I have heard the same words, but she has not been affected by those words like I have been.
Similarly, there have been medical appointments marked on the calendar in the past year for my daughter that I have dreaded. The thought of appointments, and the changes that could come from them are both distressing and, at times, depressing. The days leading up to some of these dates have put me in a foul mood as my mind fights for peace and joy. My body aches with tension from the stress.
As I struggle internally, there’s my daughter. She’s giggling, laughing, and enjoying her life. If she does have a sad moment, she’ll play a video and quickly be transported into a joyful state again.
One could argue that her delays are a blessing in these situations. She may not fully understand her conditions and issues in the future. She does not know enough to be worried. There are things that could upset her but they don’t. Through her frequent lab draws, daily pill regime, and major dietary restrictions, she stays happy.
Still, she laughs.
The Bible promises peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). It also states to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12). I see this in my daughter. She loves attending church and singing Christian songs. She loves to pray at night with us.
I see joy and hope in her.
Me? I’m a work in progress. I think the construction has stalled on me and the hope builders have been on strike. Life has thrown many curveballs at us in the last year. I understand that I haven’t always responded well to them. I’ve sunk within myself instead of seeking God for help with all of my fears and stress. My daughter inspires me to fire up the construction inside of me again and work to better respond to these issues.
I want joy, no matter what is going on in my life. I desire to laugh everyday even when things are less than perfect. I wish I could have my daughter’s viewpoint of the world.
Until then, I will cherish her mysterious giggles and try to join her.
Evana is a wife and mother of two children. Evana is also a pediatric speech-language pathologist and serves children with autism, feeding disorders, and other developmental delays. You can connect with Evana on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, A Special Purposed Life. You can also read more about her family’s story in her book, Badges of Motherhood: One Mother’s Story about Family, Down syndrome, Hospitals, and Faith.
