Seasons help us to realize we’re not alone. We might still feel alone but we can see things differently and then change our thinking, and even our responses. We know everyone goes through “stuff” but sometimes we need to recognize it just happens to be our turn. The harder part is that we still have someone we are caring for full time, 24/7 added to the new hard stuff!
For families like mine, with an autistic child and my own ADHD and anxiety, Christmas is rarely “calm” or “bright.” In fact, it is often loud, noisy, and overwhelming. Our children get overwhelmed by the lights and the new items. We, as parents, get overwhelmed by all the mess and noise. There are so many sensory inputs flowing through that you feel like you are in a never-ending vacuum of noise. And, that doesn’t even take into account that I’m operating on just a few hours of sleep after leading multiple Christmas services as a pastor.
Ruth saw a bright future for herself. She didn’t have an exact plan in front of her. But at 18, she vaguely knew what she wanted in the future: a master’s degree, a husband, a job she enjoyed, and children. Emma was on another path altogether. When Emma turned 18, she was already enrolled in a school for students with more significant disabilities.
Zechariah, despite being visited by an angel, doubted what he had been told, and so Gabriel told him that because of this doubt, Zechariah would not be able to speak until his son was born. So, he became unable to speak, and therefore unable to communicate through speech. What did he do? And what does his story teach us about people who cannot communicate by speech, or choose not to, today?
There were young kids, teens, young adults, even his best friend, all playing together, learning and laughing. But, there was no sign of my child. I searching the parking lot where everyone was talking and hanging out with their families; not there either. Here is where most people panic. But, deep down I knew; look with the younger kids. It was there I found him, rolling down the hill, filled with that bold childhood laughter, having the time of his life. No pressure here. No one asking him to make quick decisions he had to worry about in that football game. There was only freedom and joy. I want him to be something he isn’t sometimes, but I’m learning to start finding the thankful in disability.
One year after the pandemic began, there is still a great amount of fear and uncertainty involved in our daily lives. Reflecting on 2020, there were so many days and weeks that led me feel completely abandoned by God. So having ‘faith’ in God may seem like shallow words, when one is dealing with intense crisis and pain. But one thing that has helped me have faith is to reflect on those times when God showed up, even when I didn’t expect Him to. I had such an experience recently, where I found myself in a familiar place, having my faith tested very much as it has been in the past.
The orchard was heady fare for a midwesterner eager to escape an Iowa winter for a week. I walked around in shirtsleeves and sandals, admiring trees laden with yellow and orange fruit. I breathed in the tang of fresh citrus. Even so, part of me was ready to return home and resume interviews with parents raising kids with special needs and disabilities for a book proposal about stress and compassion fatigue in caregiver. Talking to these families, on the phone or in video chats, has been as sharp and delicious as an orange eaten in a citrus grove.
This post is for all my fellow veteran special needs parents, those of us who’ve been doing this for a little while and are finding a groove that works. There is a danger in being really good at our journey. The danger is that we forget to be wholly dependent on the Lord, His spirit and His leading in our choices, plans and decisions.
