Recently, the Key Ministry team interviewed “Emma,” a woman who endured years of sexual abuse by someone she knew. We share her experience in two blog posts, to increase awareness of opportunities for abuse and provide prevention and recovery resources to parents and ministry leaders alike.
Question 1: How old were you when the abuse began? Tell us a little about the relationship you had with the abuser before the abuse started.
The abuse began when I was between 8 and 9 years old. I thought he was the coolest. He paid attention to me; he talked to me; he would bring me my favorite candy bar and he do neat tricks. I had trusted him even to the point of standing by a dart board and trusting him as he threw the darts.
(Parents and ministry leaders: this process is called grooming).
Question 2: Your abuser was someone known to you. Do you think the existing relationship made it more difficult for you to tell adults what was happening? Did you ever attempt to tell an adult what was happening? What was the response?
I never saw what was to come. I had no red flags nor any language to express what this was (the abuse). It would be sometime before I would imagine telling someone (a language barrier was there: I had no words for what it (the abuse) was). I guess eventually a part of me wanted to say something like, “he did this because I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do.”
Question 3: You were a child when your abuse began. Why do you think you didn’t tell an adult what was happening when the abuse started? I assume you were fearful of your abuser, but what were you afraid of the most? Physical harm by your abuser? Harm by someone else? Fear of not being believed, then suffering with repercussions from your abuser? Or something else?
I didn’t know what to say; the abuse was something foreign to me. I was not fearful at first, but when I did say things like, “I don’t want to do this anymore; I just want it to be like we use to be,” he would tell me he was going to run his motorcycle into a wall. That scared me, because I thought it would be my fault that he did that.
(Emma was a child at this time).
Photo credit: Molly Blackbird on Unsplash.com.
Question 4: Did anyone ever ask you if anything was wrong, by observing your behavior around your abuser? What, if anything, do you think adults in your life could have asked you that would have alerted them that you were being abused?
I only remember around the time I was 16. My mom asked why I didn’t want to go somewhere with him, but she never went any further. I did not say anything, other than I just didn’t want to go.
One other time, he was drunk and said he just wanted to see me. He was coming over to my house. My mom and I were the only ones home. I told my mom I was not going to answer the door. She asked why, and I told her he was drunk, and I didn’t want to talk to him.
I now think that she may have been fearful of him as well. I probably would have denied it if an adult asked me a yes or no question (about the abuse), but if there would have been some dialogue—an adult telling me something like “I am here for you,” or told me about “good touch—bad touch” (which I know sounds so cliche). Maybe if someone would have said “I am here for you and will protect you, you did nothing wrong,” I would have spoken about the abuse.
Question 5: Do you think your abuser was more interested in controlling someone (you) or the sexual aspect of the abuse? Did your abuser behave in a controlling way towards others? Were other people afraid of your abuser?
I would have to say control (was more important). The more I tried to be my own person, the more he wanted to threaten or bribe me. I would say he had a way of manipulating others; maybe he was intimidating because of his size. (Emma’s abuser was much larger than her and very strong).
Question 6: Secrets only hold power if they are kept. Were there unexpected blessings that happened when the abuse become known by others? Or did learning of the abuse hurt your relationships with family and friends?
Wow, bringing light into that darkness; I received much needed validation which was so freeing, like “Yes I wasn’t crazy.”
Question 7: Was your family involved in church or profess Christian faith? Was your abuser involved in church? Do you think this (being active in church, or church/relationship with Christ not being present in your life) made a difference in your response to the abuse?
I was brought up Catholic; my parents were on and off in attendance. The abuser's family was involved in a church as well, but he was not an active participant. Being brought up in church and attending a Catholic elementary school didn’t make a difference in my response to the abuse. However, the old hymns we sang always spoke to me in a very deep way, and they so helped in my healing journey.
In the next post, we will focus on Emma’s healing journey, and what she recommends for individuals seeking healing from sexual abuse trauma, as well as tips for ministry leaders, parents and other supportive friends.
For additional reading and review: Darkness 2 Light, an organization dedicated to empowering adults to prevent child sexual abuse, partnered with Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman to develop the movie “Aly Raisman: Darkness to Light.” The movie premiered September 24 on the Lifetime Channel; see also this viewing guide.
