The global pandemic increased society’s awareness about the feelings and implications of being isolated. The question remains, what will be the lasting impact of that new awareness?
As church programs start getting back to business, many individuals and families with disabilities are already getting lost in the shuffle—feeling forgotten and invisible once again. The sting is even deeper now than it was before the pandemic. Back in May 2020, there was a glimmer of hope that things would change. Family caregivers and people with special needs anticipated there would be more empathy and meaningful action when this crisis ended.
I drove to a haircut the other day. It was the first time I’d been out of the house in about 4 weeks. The roads were filled with traffic. And aside from masks and plexiglass barriers, people were moving about much as they did before the word “COVID” was ever uttered. I found myself sitting in the car and then the salon chair growing bitter. The way the world goes round behind the four walls of my house remains immensely challenging and discouragement is growing. In so many ways, the challenges are not much different than they were before the world turned upside down. The difference now is that my expectations have changed. I thought people would express more empathy and outreach after experiencing what it’s like to be hunkered down in their homes for months on end.
I don’t want to be the whiny or demanding person in the room. Nobody in my shoes wants to be that person. I want to move on. Yet, in many ways, my family doesn’t get to move on. I don’t want to have unreasonable expectations but the discouragement is real. And the feelings are fair. Like most caregivers, I long to feel like my church community will be on the front lines of having my back.
Families like mine are begging, “Don’t judge me for still being isolated or dismiss my family as too complicated! And don’t assume that when I’m quiet and undemanding, that all is well.” These friends are asking—with and without actual words, “Please listen to us and love us where we are!”
Christians and churches say they love everyone. Pastors and leaders have good intentions. Nobody means ill will toward an individual or family impacted by disabilities or other challenges. But it’s hard to see those intentions when recent statistics show that churches are laying off their disability ministry leaders and discontinuing special needs programs at staggering rates. To be sure, we must pray for supernatural creativity and initiative so that hurting churches can help hurting families.
This is where we all get stuck, isn’t it? We aspire to love well and have a general sense of awareness that social disconnectedness is a problem, but nobody really knows what to do about it. Families impacted by disability, mental health concerns or medical vulnerabilities are throwing up their hands in hurt, anger and resentment. Struggling churches are throwing up their hands with empathy but overwhelm and plenty of excuses.
Photo credit: Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com.
We have a ripe opportunity to grow as disciples of Christ in the ways we love and care for each other.
It’s not just on the church staff to deliver love and care. This is on everyone in our congregations. But we desperately need leaders who will build awareness, inspire and educate people about how to live this way together. Yes, pastor, that part is on you.
Church leaders need to remind their faith communities about how to follow Jesus’ model for friendship. In the ministry where I serve, we call it Walking Partner friendship. Perhaps more than ever before, pastors need to be empowering and equipping people in their congregations to do life with each other as Christ did—in a discipleship lifestyle.
Where do we go from here?
There are two very powerful and immediate areas of opportunity for churches to lead and cultivate a Christ-pointing culture. Staff and congregations must be empowered to:
Pray without ceasing.
Respond to the socialization crisis occurring among those impacted by disability and other special needs.
First, let’s keep the families in our faith communities on our prayer chains and overtly included in prayers during services. Let’s persevere with regular prayer calls to those in our congregation whose participation at church remains limited by things like disability and caregiving. Let’s make sure that a phone call doesn’t make someone feel like a project, or a to-do item on someone’s checklist. Let’s call for prayer among those within the natural circle of caring for a family (like those who would be sitting around that family in the pews when they are in church).
Second, let’s develop a better understanding of what role the church has in responding to the socialization needs of its isolated members. We tend to over-complicate or over-simplify the socialization needs of our friends impacted by special needs. We allow ourselves to become intimidated or hesitant in reaching out to people we see as “needy” or “high maintenance.” We drop each other into simplistic categories like “introvert” and “extrovert” without recognizing important nuances that could help us personalize ministry.
Socialization is a broad category that includes layers of underlying meaning. Let’s break it down for a moment.
A. Socialization is about INCLUSION.
This is a person’s degree of need to feel generally and casually connected in the broader community. It explains why certain people feel refreshed by talk radio, a walk around the neighborhood, a party, or a visit to the grocery store.
B. Socialization is about AFFECTION.
This is a person’s degree of need for deep connectedness or emotional intimacy with others. It includes exchanging love, appreciation and affirmation. Needs in the area of affection can explain why some people get very energized by their pets or coffee with a friend, while others become depleted by long or very personal conversations.
Some people will be very expressive in this area. Others will not be particularly expressive of things like love and appreciation but may actually need more of it than they show. A person’s degree of expressiveness often will not match their degree of need. There is also a spectrum of need in how many deep connections someone seeks. Some people will want emotional intimacy with just a very few people while others will be only be satisfied when connecting deeply with many people.
C. Socialization involves the need for CONTROL.
This is a person’s degree of need for things like leading and following. It includes how a person responds to feelings of power or powerlessness over people or circumstances. It also involves how people make decisions, independently or in some degree of collaboration with one or more people.
Literally thousands of combinations are possible. Some basic understanding can give us freedom and inspiration for ministry with people. We don’t need to be all things for everyone. If one person is encouraged and energized by the kind of weekly chats that happen in the church lobby, then we can help them get refreshed by finding an adequate substitute for that fellowship until they return to regular worship. If someone is energized by working on a team, they could be greatly encouraged by an invitation to a virtual meeting for prayer and brainstorming new ways to serve.
Most fatigued caregivers struggle to know what they really need and how to communicate that to others. But make no mistake, the socialization deficit is enormous among families impacted by disability, mental health difficulties, aging conditions, chronic health issues and other special needs.
The church must be a safe space for people to learn how to express their complex needs.
“When Jesus heard them, he stopped and called, “What do you want me to do for you?” Matthew 20:32”
In general, caregivers find it very hard express their needs in helpful ways. They need “walking partners” who will listen and process this with them, help them think creatively, and bring a generous amount of patience to the table. Then, as they get better at expressing what they need and want, people around them need to be ready and willing to respond. Every time they hear silence or sense hesitation, they will be tempted to go back into their bunkers of self-preservation, trying to avoid the sting of rejection.
The message individuals and families impacted by extra needs must hear over and over again is this:
I won’t always know what to do,
but I care about you and your family.
I want to learn with you and from you.
And I’m not going anywhere.
As we listen and pray for our friends who spend a lot of time at home or who have difficulty experiencing belonging in their churches, let’s ask God to show us their unique needs and how to love them like Jesus would.
I’m praying that leaders make it a high priority during 2021 and beyond to educate and empower their faith communities about how to engage with each other. It will not help anyone to make people feel shame or obligation. We all just need a clearer vision of the need, the opportunity, and Jesus’ ways.
Whether there is a pandemic or not, we need culture-transforming ministry models that truly reflect Jesus’ ways and ensure that our friends aren’t falling through the cracks of church and community life. Forget all the programs. Let’s just take a step back and re-learn what Jesus has been trying to show us from the beginning.
Let’s be community together!
Lisa Jamieson is a caregiver consultant, pastoral counsellor and author of popular books and Bible studies including Finding Glory in the Thorns and Jesus, Let’s Talk. Lisa and her husband, Larry, live in Minnesota with the youngest of their three grown daughters, Carly, who has Angelman Syndrome. Together, the Jamiesons founded Walk Right In Ministries in 2008, a non-profit organization building faith and community with special needs families.
