One day I came home from church to find my wife exhausted. It is not an unusual experience. I’m a pastor, so my wife typically has to get our autistic child ready for worship and care for him throughout the day while I’m leading the service.
This particular day was different. She had had enough and could tell the church treated our son differently. Though he did not have the words to express it, she could tell our son felt excluded from the community. She said he was showing actions that expressed he was overwhelmed and did not want to be there. She felt alone, tired, exhausted, and believed the church did not want her or our son to be in the church.
The conversation gave us space to reflect on discussions that had come my way, directly and indirectly, by some church members. There were conversations about how some did not want people like our son in the congregation. Some actions made it seem like the people were afraid of him.
We both expressed feeling unwanted by the church. We wanted to leave. What do you do? Should you leave a church if you believe your child is unwanted because they are autistic?
Admittedly, these are hard questions for me. I cannot simply leave a congregation, even though I may believe it is best for my family. I am a pastor in a tradition where I do not have a say in where I serve. I am appointed to a church by my bishop and must stay in that appointment until the bishop reassigns me. The process we work through may be helpful for families who are wrestling with when to leave a congregation that expresses actions contrary to the love of Christ.
First, find a trusted ally in the congregation to talk with about your concerns. Our natural tendency is to leave immediately. However, the way of Christ calls us to find solutions to our concerns first (Matthew 18:15-19). A good, healthy first step is to find a trusted ally with whom you can talk about your concerns and struggles. Ideally, this would be someone you know who sees your child as a child of God. This conversation allows you to share your concerns and gives another person a chance to bear that pain with you. It also helps to devise a way to communicate those concerns with the larger community. In my context, I have often used my lay leader (a person who represents the congregation and advocates for mission and ministry along with the pastor) to be a listening ear in those conversations.
Second, bring your concerns to the leadership of your congregation. I would advise having that trusted ally with you in that conversation. Make time to speak with your pastor or a ministry leader about your concerns. A good leader, pastor, and congregation will be empathetic to your concerns, remorseful for any actions that were counter to the love of Christ, and desire to work with you and others to find a proper solution. In this conversation, it is important to provide clear and helpful strategies that help a congregation to know how to treat their child as a person of worth. We have shared ways to foster communication with our child, especially since he is non-verbal, and ways to help improve welcome in the church for all families.
Finally, if those steps do not bring about resolution, then it is appropriate to leave. Some may argue that it is never right to leave a congregation. I do not believe that perspective is biblical or holy. A family should not remain in a community that refuses to welcome their child with the love of Christ. A family should not feel guilty for leaving and seeking another congregation that may be more capable of expressing Christ-centered love if actions that seek to bring resolution to their concerns do not bear fruit. Yes, it is hard to leave, but a person or family cannot grow in their relationship with God and other believers where they are unloved or unappreciated. For us, this has meant asking my denominational leaders to move us, at times earlier than expected, in order that our child was loved and welcomed by a church.
Ideally, every person is welcome and embraced by a church as Christ welcomes and embraces all with unconditional love. That, unfortunately, is not always expressed by the church. I believe in those moments when we do feel we need to leave, God’s love will guide the conversation and direct us towards a place that will be more welcoming and open to expressing the love of Christ for all people.
Guest blogger Shannon Blosser is an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church serving in Huntington, W.V. His ministry includes actively advocating for autism inclusion in the church. He regularly writes about his experience as a pastor and father of an autistic child and offers tips for the church to work towards inclusion on his blog. His ministry blog is shannonblosser.com. He is a graduate of Asbury Theological Seminary and West Virginia University. He is married to Abbi, and together they have two sons. You can contact him on Twitter @ShannonBlosser or on Facebook.
