I’m doing a bad job, or so I’ve been told. I don’t always juggle my responsibilities well. I spend too much time working and not enough time interacting with my children. Household chores and work regularly pull for my attention, and I’m easily drawn off course by those things.
It’s been said that I let my child with special needs watch her iPad far too much. I should be doing other things with her. While my daughter gleefully sings and dances to her videos, puzzle pieces remain in a box, markers dry up, and play-doh hardens.
During the summer, more than any other time of the year, I am told that I am a failure.
Who, you may wonder, is telling me these things?
The giver and receiver of those words are me.
Summer break does a number on me. I put pressure on myself for summer break to be nearly magical. I have a list of things I would like to accomplish during the weeks off of school. Some of the items are chores around the house, and other things are simply activities I hope to do with my family.
There’s never enough time to get it all in, no matter how carefully I try to plan. Things come up at work that require more time than anticipated. My child may decide to rise well before the sun and that shifts the plans for the day. There are multiple things at play in our lives; it’s not as simple as planning and executing.
When I reflect on the happenings of the day, I become a harsh critic. I judge myself ruthlessly on how I filled our days. Sometimes, I am satisfied that I provided healthy meals, time for exercise, quality time with the kids, and a balance of screen time. Other times, I find I did the opposite of those things. I criticize myself and scold my own choices. My head fills with negative self-talk.
After 15 years of this special needs life, I think I understand why this happens. During the summer whenever I am at my home, I am caregiving. There’s rarely a moment at home when I’m not looking after my daughter or managing some aspect of her day. That’s not to say that I don’t have free time. I do, but there’s a part of me that is in a hyperaware state when she’s home. That level of care is mentally exhausting hour after hour, day after day. It can lead to an increase in stress and anxiety. All of these things combined create an opportunity for negative thinking and self-talk.
Photo credit: Guideposts.org.
I often don’t realize what I am doing to myself. However, I am learning to recognize these thoughts much quicker and see them for what they are. Taking those thoughts captive—quickly—is a necessity. I’m also reminding myself that mercy doesn’t exist only in the context of God. I need to extend mercy and grace to myself as well. I’m doing the best I can. I don’t have a certain level of parenting perfection to achieve. I may not always have a healthy work, home, and caregiving balance, but it’s a juggling act bound to result in some dropped balls.
As I come to the halfway point in our summer vacation, I want to remember to enjoy this time. I want to celebrate my parenting victories and extend mercy to myself when things are less than ideal.
The truth is that I am not doing a bad job. A lot of moms struggle with balance. The truth is my daughter loves her iPad. I know it’s not great for her to be on it all the time, but she absolutely loves watching a variety of shows. It brings her great joy. The truth is that I am not a failure. Imperfection is not the same as failing. Knowing the truth is important. It will help silence my harshest critic.
Evana is a wife and mother of two children. Since becoming a parent, Evana has spent many hours driving to specialty appointments, praying beside a hospital bed, and learning about her children’s diagnoses. Evana is also a pediatric speech-language pathologist and serves children with autism, feeding disorders, and other developmental delays. You can connect with Evana on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, A Special Purposed Life. You can also read more about her family’s story in her book, Badges of Motherhood: One Mother’s Story about Family, Down syndrome, Hospitals, and Faith.
