As a writer, blogger and author, I’m well acquainted with the rigors, frustrations and chronic disappointment associated with creating content, getting published, and the awkward process of marketing one’s own material. I am also mom to an adult daughter with complex health and developmental needs. While reading a blog for writers the other day, I recognized similar pitfalls and opportunities associated with wearing a writer’s cap and my mother’s crown. (I’m saying my role as mom involves a crown because I think every mom should be given a couple of crowns—one of thorns and another of diamonds).
In both of these roles, I’m regularly faced with daily labors, setbacks, doldrums, criticism, loneliness, rejection, disappointments that really sting, and yes, even joys beyond my wildest dreams. Like an artist with writer’s block, I can become stuck in the ruts of caregiving fatigue. I’m talking about the kind of sleep deprivation that keeps us from forming clear sentences and the overwhelm of making countless life-depending decisions and needing complicated future plans. Like other writers and moms of children with disabilities, I’ve fallen prey to negative messages and self-pity.
Inspired by Lori Stanley Roeleveld’s strategy, allow me to paraphrase a plan for protecting our hearts, minds and lives from debilitating patterns.
Value Your Calling. Caregivers who develop a sense of their purpose see several benefits. For example, when we understand the reasons why we are designed for and called toward our child’s unique needs, we are better able to stay focused on our goals and stick with them. A sense of purpose also helps us remember why we are valuable—and vulnerable. No important work will come without obstacles. Recognizing from the outset that hardship will come is part of what reminds us why we are a valued contributor in the first place. This stirs our compassion and reassures us that there are brighter days ahead. We’re spurred on to persevere and remain committed.
Consider this helpful analogy from Roeleveld’s post:
“Farming is a calling, a lifestyle, a commitment. Farmers must know their business, secure the right tools, invest relentless effort, and pray. Still, there are a myriad of factors out of the farmer’s control that determine the success of any crop. Weather, pests, disease, fluctuations in the market, and changes in buyers’ tastes all impact farming’s bottom line.”
We may not be keeping crops alive but we’re trying to keep our children alive and our families thriving. That’s the caregiver’s “bottom line.” It’s an immense responsibility. But there are countless factors out of our control, too. On the best of days, parenting is a calling with heartbreak, tests and steep odds. Yet we can relish the challenge by remembering that parenting and caregiving are among life’s most highly valued callings. And God stands in authority over it.
When we follow Jesus into the situation and serve our families with a sense of Kingdom purpose, we put ourselves and our families in position for epic faith adventures, as well as opportunities to provide a feast of Christ-pointing vision and hope to others.
Photo credit: Samantha Sophia on Unsplash.com.
Give your personal and family grief its moments—then begin again.
Each person in our family will experience their own sorrows of disappointment, missing out on things, revising future dreams. The triggers and emotions can come when we least expect them. In fact, grief masquerades as a lot of different things—disappointment, anger, sorrow, resentment.
We will experience seasons of disappointment. Milestones will get missed, we’ll be late for an appointment again, people will misunderstand us, frustrating meetings and phone calls will happen, and more bad news will come. In low moments, we need to stop and lament what we hoped would happen. We need to give ourselves permission to have our dark thoughts and feel our feelings. We’ll need time—an hour or a day or a week—to get in touch with our circumstances, attitude and responses. And then we need to put our cap back on and start walking in faith again.
Some of my most intimate and tangible encounters with God have come when I paid close attention to my emotions, even allowed myself to sob. When we cry out to Jesus, He will give us a “holy moment” there. Holy moments stir the soul to rediscover purpose and pour into us the strength we need from God to press on.
Remember that your story matters.
God is writing a story with our lives. And those stories are sharing important messages with others, even when we have no idea it’s happening. Our caregiving days and nights prove that life can be a grueling slog laced with tedious routines. Our perseverance is seen by God, and it’s not lost on others either.
The most epic tales feature obstacles and overcomers. Hebrews 11 lists many of our heroes in faith and each one faced great hardship or extreme decisions. Still, every single one of them overcame troubles by faith (verse 33) and had their weakness turned to strength (verse 34). Verses 39 and 40 tell us, “All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. For God had something better in mind for us, so that they would not reach perfection without us.”
We gain strength from others’ stories too. I’m inspired by reading the books and blogs of my peers in special needs parenting. It also helps to ask veteran caregivers how they endure and fight self-pity. I meet weekly with an incredible group of special needs moms for Bible reflection and discussion. I have a prayer team that prays for me, too. After neglecting scripture memory for several years, I’ve started memorizing God’s promises and encouragement again. It’s been really hard, but I’ve given myself permission to go slow and just stick with it.
Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). “We are invited into His story, but we have our own thread,” Roeleveld reminds us. When facing our wits-end moments, let’s take the big picture perspective and commit our lives to the greater story He is telling through us. Let’s celebrate the ways God is demonstrating His presence, power and goodness through our successes and failures.
I pray that every parent or caregiver who reads this knows they are not alone, and their story is God-purposed. Let’s persevere together.
So let’s not get tired of doing what is good.
At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.
Galatians 6:9
Embrace the story you’ve been given and follow Jesus into the world with it!
Lisa Jamieson is a caregiver consultant, pastoral counsellor and author of popular books and Bible studies including Finding Glory in the Thorns and Jesus, Let’s Talk. Lisa and her husband, Larry, live in Minnesota with the youngest of their three grown daughters, Carly, who has Angelman Syndrome. Together, the Jamiesons founded Walk Right In Ministries in 2008, a non-profit organization building faith and community with special needs families.
