How can I make you feel safe?
This question runs through my mind every time I enter the room in the long-term care facility where my mother lives. When I walk through her door today, she is asleep in her recliner, her body listing to the left as usual.
I put my things at the foot of her bed before greeting her. "Hi, Mom!"
No response.
I speak louder. "Hi, Mom!"
She wakes with a start and turns toward me. She blinks. "Hi, Jo!"
"How are you today?"
"Tired, Jo. I'm so very tired. I just want to sleep."
"I brought you an ice cream bar. Are you too tired to eat it?"
"No." She presses the button of the recliner's remote control until she's sitting upright. "I can eat it."
While she devours her ice cream, I wet a paper towel. When all that remains of her treat is the wooden stick, I throw it away and wipe her sticky fingers and lips.
"Why am I so tired?" she asks as I sit down to visit. "All I do is nap all day."
She asks this question every day.
Every day I walk her through the chores she did on her parents' farm during the Great Depression.
Her career as a serious elementary and secondary student.
Her college days.
Her early years as a teacher.
Her days as the wife of a farmer who became an extension agent.
Her return to teaching after her husband became ill.
The decades she spent caring for him while raising three kids and teaching full time.
"Your body is tired from all that work," I say.
She looks unconvinced, almost guilty.
How can I make you feel safe?
I study her face. Her expression gives rise to the answer.
"John, Jacque, and I are glad you can nap all day. You worked so hard to raise us. Now your naps make us happy. We want you to be able to rest whenever you're tired."
"Thank you." Mom looks straight at me with faded blue eyes, her face awash with gratitude, her guilt about sleeping the day away absolved through the happiness of her children. "Thank you."
For the next hour, we talk and play Uno using rules only Mom understands, rules that correspond to her advancing dementia. Then I kiss her forehead, say "I love you," and leave. She is asleep before I'm out the door.
Photo by Dominik Lange on Unsplash
I drive home, thinking about the glaring similarities between elderly people living with dementia and children living with untreated trauma.
Both populations inhabit confusing worlds.
Unpredictable worlds.
Worlds that don't make sense.
Worlds that feel unsafe.
Our job as caregivers, whatever the age of those in our care, is to make them feel safe. Which is why we should ask the same question every day–How can I make you feel safe?–and observe the words and behaviors of our loved ones, so we can create the secure environment they need.
Some of the ways we can do so are surprisingly simple and intuitive. Here are a few you might want to try:
Establish structure and stick to a regular routine.
Explain upcoming changes to routines and rules before they happen.
Provide an environment that is quiet, uses soft lighting, and offers calming activities.
Make allowances for your child's preferences and aversions.
Learn about childhood trauma, its causes, symptoms, and treatment.
Communicate unconditional love for your child even when behaviors are unacceptable.
When we meet traumatized children where they are, when we do what we can to make them feel safe in a world they perceive as unsafe, we are doing the work of Christ. He offers true safety—eternal salvation—to all who know and love Him. How will our traumatized children meet Him unless they first experience safe and secure relationships with their caregivers?
Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She's also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon. See Jane Run!, the first book in the West River cozy mystery series was released in June of 2022.
